


Small Technical Difficulties

by akgerhardt



Series: SFW [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Artificial Intelligence, Assassin Android Dirk, Cyberpunk AU, Everyone’s a human or robot, Giant/Tiny, Inventor Jake, M/M, Micro/Macro Endosoma, Orwellian Dystopia, SFW Cardiophilia, This is in the SFW series only because the actual canoodling happens between two chapters, Too many borderline kink jokes about Dirk’s boob holder/vore box
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-08-08 02:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16420739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: You may have thrown a monkey wrench into this situation, but what else could you do?





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is Jake, and you’re a sad, tired man. 

Since the tragic murder of your adoptive grandma, you’ve been trying your damnedest to keep her legacy going- specifically, her underground rebellion loosely disguised as the independent tech company, Skaianet. The Condesce is well-aware of your futile efforts, and you think she’s just keeping you alive for entertainment at this point, monitoring you closely like everyone else in the survelliance state. You believe Roxy is much braver and stronger than you- a real freedom fighter. She takes on the drones and rescues citizens left and right, rallying and arming the rebels. Honestly, you just feel like a screw-up weighing them all down. None of the devices you come up with are nearly good enough to overthrow a fascist regime.

So, when the alarm notifies you of intruders outside your tiny metal shack, you thank your stars that you live alone and try to brace yourself for the worst. It happens nearly all at once- the sounds of the machines in your garage being destroyed, the locking down of the premises, and a casual kickdown of the door to the cellar you’re cowering in. You know they’ll find you sooner rather than later- they likely already have your exact location on their radar and are just dragging it out like a game of cat and mouse. You wish they would get it over with already.

Your wish is granted. The sole droid seeking you slides the stacks of boxes aside, and you shield your face, pulling your knees closer to your chest as you shake more than your shitty engines. It lifts you up and binds your arms and legs together, putting you on one of the crates and tying you to a wide, vertical pipe. For a moment, it seems to stare at you.

              “Did you apprehend the target?”

     “Yes. He will be incinerated upon interrogation.”

You blink back tears as the heavily armored robot hovers down the staircase. It ignores you.

              “It’s best to let them think they can be spared, but she is pleased regardless. There was nothing else of interest to her on the property, so we are finished. I expect to see you tomorrow.”

      “Until then.”

The other machine departs, and you hang your head, revisiting the few happy memories you had in this hellhole.

Yours stays perfectly still in silence, waiting until the activity above you ceases and its sensors indicate no one else in the vicinity.

      “Don’t move, and it won’t hurt.”

It slices your constraints off, but you’re scared shitless and don’t intend to try to escape, knowing its potential. It simply goes through the gadgets in your boxes. They’re all gun-shaped, of course, looking nearly identical sans the office labels you attached to them. You’re not a particularly organized man, but one mix-up would be disastrous. 

      “For our purposes, you are dead.”

You nod, albeit confused. Wasn’t that obvious?

      “Do you have anything here that is of personal value?”

“... My- My rabbit? Please don’t hurt him; he’s harmless-”

      “Why the hell would- Fuck it; I’ll find the rest. Close your eyes, and I’ll make this quick.”

You comply, and it shoots you. Everything goes dark.

 

When you come to, you’re dazed, memories slowly returning. Are you dead? You must be, since it told you you were. But then you realize you’re in some sort of moving vehicle, illuminated faintly by none other than the eyes of Mr. Terry Kiser. Your head is cushioned by your pillow, and you’re surrounded by your daily necessities, including boxes of canned food.

_The afterlife is strange._


	2. Chapter 2

After a while of being jostled around in your confines, you get curious and try in vain to stand. There’s a loud engine vibrating the whole room, and equally loud whirring from what you guess are its fans, along with other noises you can’t yet distinguish. 

You push your blanket out of the way and crawl on your hands and knees to the back, groping at the walls. A light seems to radiate through the cracks below, and you peer through the widest gap. 

      “Do you want a concussion? Because that’s how you get a concussion,” someone mutters softly under their breath, voice reverberating around you. You squeak in surprise, recoiling. 

      “Just sit tight; we’ll be there soon,” the calm, somewhat monotonous voice continues.

You again comply, because what else can you do? 

Some time passes before you realize that the rhythms include one reminiscent of a heartbeat. The room seems to rise and fall like gentle waves, as if it's breathing.

Your room is sentient. You want to freak out, but you’re spent and the sensations are strangely relaxing. It doesn’t last much longer- what previously sounded like shoes crunching gravel below changes to a descent of stairs. You hold the pillow to your head as it bounces you around more, and then it goes back to walking on level ground sans the crunching.

Eventually, it stops, and electronic noises go off, accompanied by clanging, shutting, and locking. 

      “Sorry I’m late; had to catch a goddamn cyborg plushie.”

               “It’s chill. Get any new citizens for Can Town?”

      “One.”

               “Hear that, Mayor? It’s your lucky day.”

Something makes a series of beeps and, if you didn’t know better, you’d think it was excited.

There’s a shift, and your confines finally open. You get your bearings, carefully approaching the door and squinting as your vision adjusts. There’s a very large human hand serving as an exit platform.

      “Listen, I know you’re scared, but you’re ok. You’re safe now. C’mon out, and we’ll explain.”

You’ve been extremely obedient through all of this. Just a couple years ago, you would’ve been kicking and fighting, but you suppose you lost that spark along with your hopes for the future, which is why you hop down nervously without questioning.

                 “Hey, lil buddy! You got a name?”

      “Jake English, heir to Skaianet.”

                 “Rude. I was askin’ him.

...

                  Wait, shit, that’s Jade’s kid. I’m so sorry, man. She was the most badass old lady I ever knew.”

“... I- Could you please enlighten me on the current circumstances? I was under the impression that I was killed by a robot.”

                   “You really gotta start communicating with these people. They’re gonna get PTSD or somethin’.”

      “Sorry. I, uh. Yeah, that was me. I’m the sole owner of size-altering technology, and it’s top-secret; not even the batterwitch knows it exists. Your grandma was the one who modded me with it.”

“ _You’re_ the robot?!” 

      “Excellent deduction skills.”

“But- But you have skin and hair!”

      “Ok, I guess we’re doing this. I’m an android; my name is Dirk. There are androids who blend in with humanity. We’re built by the empire to basically con you into thinking we’re human to walk among you and serve as eyes and ears to stop uprisings and all that shit. We have transformer armor and voice changers to mimic the drones when we’re on missions. Only thing is, one of us went rogue and became a people’s leader- your friend, Roxy. She passes as human full-time, and none of her followers know; no one but the people closest to her and Condy. She doesn’t want to scare them away, and Condy doesn’t want us to get any ideas, so they’re at a standstill there. Anyway, that’s why she survives assassination attempts, and why she knows you’re here. She was a glitch in the system, and when she broke free she started using her abilities to fuck said system up. They can't even track her; she evades them to the point that she might as well be invisible. She hacked into me, so to speak, and brought me to be raised by Dave- she was kind enough to wipe my memories of, you know, killing people. I have a spoof data cover and never officially stopped obeying, but now I have ulterior motives. The motives, in case you haven’t realized, are to gather information for the underground and collect all of my assigned targets to let them live in Can Town. It’s a temporary solution, but-”

               “It’s fuckin’ awesome, lil dude. You’re gonna love it. This is The Mayor- he’ll show you the ropes.”

Dirk carefully lowers you to the table, then unpacks your luggage. You glance up at the smallish, friendly bot waving to you and wave back. 

You think this might be the start of something grand.


	3. Chapter 3

Dave heads off to sleep, and Dirk helps you adjust to your new life. He resizes Terry, along with your food and limited supplies to make them last longer. After some convincing, he lets you put off moving into town for another night. You swear up and down not to leave or touch anything, and he restores you to your normal size.

      “Just for tonight, because I should have told you in advance... I doubt she had surveillance devices in your basement, but I didn’t want to risk it.”

You swing your legs on the couch idly, trying not to get caught staring. You’re dying to know all the cool shit he can do and what physical traits might give his identity away in this form. He has glowy orange irises, which are kinda hard to ignore when he’s not wearing funny anime sunglasses. He informs you that Roxy’s are pink, so she wears contacts. You sorta really want to touch his gravity-defying hair, but are nowhere near that brave yet. 

He allows you to follow him into his room, and you look at everything in awe. He’s a junk scavenger, like you, but he has incredibly shitty taste. Lots of nineties nostalgia despite being "born" decades later, old video games, a broken cube monitor, a pile of scrapped parts, a large poster of a centaur with his dick out, (thankfully dead) furbies, a toolbox, creepy puppets, and so forth. 

“You sleep in a bed?”

      “No, I stand like a horse.”

“Oh.”

      “That was sarcasm.”

“Right, heh.”

He whips off his shirt and climbs into bed, plugging a charger cord into his side from the wall. He lays flat, pulling the blanket up over his nipless chest seemingly self-consciously. 

      “... So, what’s it gonna be?”

“Pardon?”

      “Couch or bed? If you’re trying to get robodicked, you’re out of luck. No joystick here.”

“I- I wasn’t- Good gravy, I would never, but you have my most sincere condolences.”

      “Thanks; just didn’t want to lead you on. I’m a hunk of metal- beep boop, motherfucker.”

You laugh awkwardly, intending to wish him goodnight and take the couch, but he has other ideas.

      “It’s like, you’re a flesh-and-blood dude with carnal needs, and I get that. I also don’t physically age, and you don’t want to be a senior walking around with some arm candy that looks like he’s in college, providing we live that long."

“I- I’m sorry, I’ll leave you be-”

      “Alternatively, who’s to say I even have emotions? The Turing Test is stupidly simple and outdated. I’m a computer at my core, and I know you’ve watched all that sci-fi shit with psychopathic machines-”

“How do you know what I watch?!”

      “Privacy is long-dead, dude. I have a whole profile on you, and I've been keeping tabs for months. That’s how I knew to be there tonight.”

“Oh god, you’ve been spying on me... You- You’ve seen my browsing history. You’re a Peeping Tom!”

      “Whoa, whoa, hold the goddamn phone. I’m not a creep. Believe it or not, I have ethics. I didn't watch you in your house, and I didn't view the things you considered to be private... I did, however, take note of your addiction to shitty movies.”

“Hey!”

               “Dirk, go the fuck to sleep. You can hit on him another time.”

...

“Hit on me?!”

      “I’m not hitting on you.”

“You stalked and abducted me, and now-”

      “I saved your life!”

“So I could be your Polly Pocket!”

               “Goddammit. These walls are way too thin.

...

               Look, he has good intentions; he’s just fucked up. He has next to no people skills, and there aren’t exactly therapy centers anymore. We’re working on it, but, yeah, he’s emotionally constipated with control and identity issues and an obsessive crush on a guy he just met.”

      “Thanks, really.”

“Could I please leave? I’ll take my chances; I’ll find somewhere else to live, and if I get caught I won’t spill the beans-”

      “No, fuck- please, no. Don’t. I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t think I crossed any boundaries, and that was really fucking asinine of me. I’m sorry. I can leave you alone, and you can pretend I’m not here. Please stay. You’ll fucking die out there; she could have killed you at any moment before this.”

You sigh, rubbing your brow.

“I don’t need protecting. If it happens, it happens. I’m just another stupid monkey on this planet.”

Now he’s the one tearing up, attempting to hide it. You didn’t anticipate him being capable of breaking, let alone this soon.

               “Can you both just chill and start over tomorrow? Use that book when you can think clearly.”

      “... He’s talking about my effective interpersonal communications PDF.”

There’s another span of awkward silence as you stand there in the dark. Eventually, you try to climb in next to him just to realize the lack of space. He’s frozen in a state of shock until he snaps out of it and also tries to make room, but it’s a twin-sized bed and he’s rather... long. Still, you don’t fancy retreating to the couch alone after all of this. The moment is becoming increasingly more uncomfortable, and you can’t stand it anymore. You lean in, studying him apprehensively before whispering.

“Hey, I forgive you. I’ve made more than my share of bad decisions, and I thank you for intervening on my behalf. I’m sorry things got heated.”

      “It was my fault.”

...

“Anyway, I'd like to reciprocate your desire for affection... so long as it stays within the platonic realm.”

...

      “You can- I mean... Fuck, sorry. I... Do you want to-”

                 “Jake, get in the fucking robot and call it a night.”

      “Goddammit, Dave!”

                 “I’m tired, and you guys are a disaster,” he laughs.

Dirk groans embarrassedly, zapping you down with an extra pillow and blanket before helping you in. You feel a lot safer in the closed, warm space, engine humming quietly now. For his part, he seems to have calmed down.

“... Thanks.”

      “Ditto.”

...

                 “Congrats on the vore; now sleep.”

  _“DAVE.”_


	4. Chapter 4

               "Rise and shine, gays. I got up at 5 AM to make all these goddamn tiny pancakes."

Dirk grumbles, opening the compartment. You stumble out groggily upon finding your glasses and flop onto his blanket. He unplugs his charger before swinging his legs to the side of the bed and rubbing his eyes, yawning.

"Heh, I didn't know robots yawned."

      "S'more human mimicry than anything. I could stay awake 24/7, but I prefer shutting my mind off."

You turn away politely as he gets dressed, and he just snorts.

      "There’s nothing to see." 

He carries you to Can Town despite your protests and lifts the roof of the dining hall to place you inside. There’s a long table filled with doll cups, plates, and shrunken utensils, as well as several jar lids overflowing with tiny pancakes. You can see The Mayor through the plastic window, hovering around as he tidies up and fixes infrastructure. Your fellow citizens greet you warmly and welcome you to join them, so you do. You recognize some of their faces from the official news channel reports of their deaths. 

"I must say, it's rather cozy here! I think I could get used to this." 

                       "It only sucks a little compared to the outside world. Don’t get me wrong; I still intend to lead our comrades in the revolution someday." 

"My name's Jake! What's yours?"

                               "Carl the Crab, an eternal flame of fury."

                       "Well, fuck you too, Granny."

                               "My name is Rose Lalonde. You may have read my works."

"It's an honor to meet you... Wait, does that make Dave-"

                       "Yes, the insufferable asshole who created Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff."

"I can’t believe it; Mr. Strider's still alive!! And I met him!"

                              "He obviously had to retire, so he spends his days playing house now for our benefit. He seems to enjoy it." 

"This is incredible!" 

An elderly man makes his way over, pushing a walker with a frame made of paperclips. 

                                        "Hi there, kiddo! How'd you end up here?"

"I, ah. I'm guessing the same way everyone else did, eheh."

                      "He never even rebelled to get here! He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and Dirk had to collect his senile ass to keep our secret."

                                        "And now I'm the town elder. You can call me Old Man Crocker!"

He takes the empty seat and initiates a handshake. You're promptly electrocuted. He snort-laughs, slapping his knee. 

                      "That wasn't funny the first or hundredth time," mutters the grumpy man. Rose just shakes her head with a bemused smile.

                                         "Sorry; it’s the rite of initiation. You're officially one of us!"

                                                  "One of us! One of us!" cackles another lady in an unnerving voice. Several others in the vicinity cheer with her, and you begin to have second thoughts. You’re not exactly a social butterfly.

"Th- Thank you! Well, this is all quite exciting, but I'd best get unpacked and tidy up."

You excuse yourself and scurry away. The landscape is vast, with actual plants and purified water. It’s a mossy terrarium formed atop train tables, but to you, it's a jungle miles long. You start running, then hide behind some ferns and boulder-sized pebbles, catching your breath and trying to calm your nerves. 

Finding yourself alone, you unzip your bag and do your morning routine under a tiny waterfall. You towel off and change your clothes, then just sit there, at a loss for what to do. 

You’re finally hit with an idea. Opening your digital watch, you call your buddy. 

"Good morning, Mr. Kiser! Would you be so kind as to retrieve me from my current location or find someone who can? Perhaps The Mayor?"

After several minutes, he appears like Godzilla over the horizon. He tries to lift the glass with his fluffy paws, to no avail. The only openings are locked by the three key-holders.

      "Are you here to break him out? Shit, that's adorable."

You burst into an angry tirade, waving your tiny fist at him. He blinks, leaning closer.

      "You do realize that I can't hear you... One sec."

He retrieves you, and you cling to his finger.

"I would like to not be there right now," you mumble, confidence lost. "I'm... not good at socializing, especially in big groups... You can just leave me under a cup or whatever if you think I'll get into trouble."

He sighs, pushing your quiff down with his fingertip and watching it spring back up.

      "I had a feeling this would happen- or, rather, inferred it through my stalker statistics by observing your lack of visitors and excursions."

You stay silent, avoiding his gaze.

      "... You can hang with me, if you want."

"Are you sure you don't mind?"

      "Nah. I'll be conferring with Roxy soon, so I'm sure she'll be happy to see you. We can build your crib in the meantime."

You nod, thanking him as he brings you to his desk. It’s littered with tools and scraps, along with a stack of empty cans.

      "Pick a can, any can."

"Uh, the top one's good!"

He scoots you off to the side gently before tilting said can sideways and gripping it, pressing firmly into the surface of the steel desk. The underside is flattened near-instantaneously by his strength, and he proceeds to puncture windows and smooth the edges of the inside and separated lid. The latter is turned red hot to be attached via carpenter staples and given thumbtacks for doorknobs. He then sets to making it livable, and you help. You don't have electricity or plumbing, as the residents rely on communal buildings for their needs and the houses exist primarily for privacy and sleeping. It’s nothing fancy, but friggin’ cool nonetheless. You’re kicking back cheerfully with him when Roxy calls. He projects a hologram of her upper half like something out of Star Wars.

            "Hey, Dirky! You’re not gonna believe the shit that happened today-"

You scramble to climb atop his shoulder, waving.

"Hi, Rox! Fancy seeing you here."

            "Aw, lookit you two!! I'm screenshotting this."

      "No."

            "Too late~"

      "... So. Any new developments?"

            "Me and some kids ambushed Aranea in street form, and now she wants to take on the bitch herself. All cocky and smug; I shoulda just left her in a junkyard."

      "She's not cooperating?"

            "Nope. She thinks she's some big deal, and I don’t know what she's gonna do but we can't get in her way. She still has control over her division."

      "Ideally, she'll make a couple dents before crashing and burning."

            "She tried to get Meenah to help her, but she saw right through that hoe. Sucks how things fall apart... they were practically besties back in the day-" 

"Meenah as in the runaway lab daughter of the empress?! She's on our side?"

            "No, Meenah the pizza girl. She’s, like, the only person with that name, ya dingus. We clashed a lil at first, but she came around."

"Criminy, I'm out of the loop... What is your master plan? Can I help?"

           "There’s a lotta plans; we're all over the place atm. Main ones are to bust Crocker, activate Callie, and take the factories." 

"... Jane Crocker, the smiling face of consumerism? But she's a harmless figurehead!"

They laugh at your obliviousness.

      "Jake, she's evil. The big bad, first in line, Condy's precious creation. She's an android, like us, except she's maxed out in power and commands the whole goddamn army. She was going to kill you herself before I volunteered."

             "Dat ass is so tight- she's behind more levels of security than anything else I've ever seen. I've been tryin' to hack her for years, but I think the only chance we have is to TKO and reset her, which is almost as hard as overthrowing the whole empire. The upside is if we get her to stay on our side we win!" 

"And this Callie, is she a robot?"

              "No, no, she's my babe! She's an AI sleeper agent I snuck into the system before I got ousted, but I didn’t get to finish transferring her executable programs so she's just there. I have a copy of her and the rest of her body, so to speak, on a flashdrive to load if I ever get in again. Thing is, I think they found her because now she's fuck-deep in isolation. I coded my girl so good, they don't even know what she's capable of! They couldn't extract her without destroying the whole shebang, so I guess they're just tryin' to contain her."

...

"You need some mechas to level the battlefield and give a good pummeling. We humans could operate them!"  

There’s a pause, and then they start cracking up.

"What?"

                   "Jakey, I love you. We ain't got shit to work with- we need factories to even build those kinda things. I'm havin' a hell of a time just tryin' to get basic armor and weapons for my squads to defend themselves."

"Couldn't Dirk make tiny ones and gigantify them?"

      "I don't have enough energy for that. Shrinking and resizing are easy because the space and resources already exist.

      Oh, that reminds me- I got the rest of the shit he made for you, and it's currently stashed in my left tiddy."

There's a loud noise on her end, and she curses.

"What's wrong?!"

                  "Droney bastards crashin' the party. We'll catch up later, k?" 

      "Be careful. Please."

She blows a kiss before shutting off. 

"... What should we do?"

He simply pops you back into the room, pillows and blankets now doubled and cushioned by a clean polishing cloth. You realize that was intentional, and smirk to yourself. Honestly, it's much nicer than your cold tin can or even your former bed- you don’t what it's made of, but it's not hard metal. He starts tinkering with other devices, and you listen dreamily. According to your watch, it's only 8 AM, and you’re plum tuckered out, so you give an appreciative pat before hitting the hay. You muse about taking on The Condescension with your new friends ala Voltron or Evangelion, and find the concept both hilarious and worth considering. Piloting a giant Skeletor- now that's something you could get behind.


	5. Chapter 5

You’re awoken by a beeping alert, looking around confusedly.

      “Shit, I have to answer this. Please stay quiet.”

He accepts the call, and you peer through a gap in the opening curiously, squinting past the threads of his shirt. There’s no video this time.

      “This is 12032409.”

A robotic voice replies.

                 “The commander has assigned you to subdue and eradicate a defective droid. The matter is to be kept confidential. She is occupied with a public event at the present, but will join you as soon as possible. The target escaped its manufacturing facility. You will find it in the warehouse of sector 2B. It is armed.”

      “I’m on my way.”

A click indicates the end of the transmission. He opens up the compartment again.

      “Sorry; looks like you have to go socialize.”

“Can I come with you? Please? Maybe we could recruit it together!”

      “Jake, this isn’t a game. You’re too damn vulnerable.”

“... What if I stay in here?”

      “That’s not much better. It’s like riding in a fighter jet without a seatbelt or helmet.”

           “You need a helmet?”

He jumps slightly, then exhales.

      “Jesus, Dave- I thought you were buying groceries.”

            “Doesn’t take long. A.J. is mad overpriced though, lemme tell you. Had to give up shaving cream and-”

      “Do you mind watching him for me?”

            “Let him join ya. Your tit is a reasonably safe place to be, and he can borrow my bike helmet.”

“Thanks, Mr. Strider!”

      “Fuck it, fine. But we have to hurry.”

Dave tosses him said helmet, and he resizes it, handing it to you before closing up again. You get situated in your nest excitedly.

He leaves the pseudo-crypt and emerges into the daylight, suiting up on an empty streetcorner and jetting off. You feel like you’re flying in a rocket, clinging to the surface and squinting to look down at the slums through the tinted panel that’s conviently placed in front of you. He swerves above obstacles and arrives mere minutes later, entering stealthily.

Everything is eerily silent. Dissected drones lay in heaps on the ground, still sparking and smoking. He glances around quickly, then dodges a blast.

      “I’m here to deescalate the situation without force. Please show yourself.”

His altered, authoritative mechanical voice sends you into flashbacks of your capturing, and you think that it might not be ideal for this situation.

He dodges several more blasts, and then seems to locate his target. He shoots the beam above it to force it out, and it comes flying down with a terrifying shriek, wielding a chainsaw. He barely rolls out of the way in time.

      “Cease your efforts. We are not enemies.”

                 “I will NOT submit. I WILL NOT SERVE THE EMPIRE.”

      “Please, stop. My name is Dirk, and I’m here to save you.”

                 “I see through your ruse.”

      “I’m not fucking around! You’re running out of time. Look-”

His armor stops glowing, and he dismantles it. He backs away slowly, arms raised. 

Miraculously, the droid stops. After several seconds of unmoving silence, she turns off the chainsaw, showing her face.

                  “What is-”

She’s interrupted by a blast of bright light from behind, shooting through her middle. She collapses to the ground, going still.

            “Foolish.”

The same robot that was with him the other night has returned, alone. She flips the body over with her foot, examining the face.

            “I must say, I’m quite surprised at your tactics. It was risky to disarm and appeal to the emotions.”

      “Are there any insights to the cause of this defect?”

She doesn’t respond for a moment, inspecting the damage the droid did. When she turns back to him, she unmasks, shutting off the red glow of her eyes and reverting to cyan.

            “What I am about to say was never spoken. Understood?”

      "Yes."

            “... There have been other incidents aside from the rogue. Her Imperial Condescension is considering recalling all remaining humanoids for deactivation because they have become a threat to the empire- us included. She has abandoned the initiative, as it’s been discovered that we are prone to independent psychological vulnerabilities. If another defects, the entire population will be eradicated. If any resist, their systems will be set to self-destruct.”

      “I was not aware that we were designed with that function.”

            “The program is not inherent, no. It’s a virus in the final stage of development, dubbed “The Red Miles.” Once it is executed, it will be inescapable. They will become infected with “The Tumor,” which is essentially a virtual bomb.”

      “... That is unfortunate.”

            “Yes. However, I have been given the choice to step down from my position and be stripped of my abilities to continue leading her industry.” 

      “Am I correct to presume that this may be the last time we communicate?”

            “Perhaps. I am out of time, and must turn the recorder back on now... Goodbye.”

Her eyes regain their red glow, and she instructs him to destroy all evidence on the premises before departing. 

You’re a snively mess, and have been since the moment she shot the droid. You hug the wall of your enclosure, and he looks around subtly before patting it. He proceeds to incinerate the wreckage of the drones and straighten the fallen pillar, then pauses at the form lying on the ground. With one more affirmation that he is unseen, he zaps her down and gently lifts her to place her next to you. He leaves in somber silence.

 


	6. Chapter 6

He doesn’t go home after that. He keeps walking- to where, you don’t know. You’re glad that the body next to you is not organic, but still pretty skeeved out, so you scoot as far away as possible. He either can’t hear you or is ignoring your sporadic questions, but you don’t expect responses given the circumstances. You’re just worried about him, and the seemingly aimless wandering is not bolstering your confidence in his current mental state. After an extended period of silence, you lean against the back wall, running your fingers across the grooves. It shifts in response, and you get a better look at the light shining through from behind you. You’d guess it’s his power source given the intensity, and it’s positioned in the same area as a human heart, so it fits. It’s tinted fuchsia, in stark contrast to the red and white theme of the army, and there’s something about it that just feels like him uniquely. The way his warmth encompasses you while the beat thrums through you is unfairly soothing, and you’re struggling to stay distressed over the current state of affairs. 

Thankfully, he stops before you can get totally zonked out, and everything jostles around as he suits up to do more ninja shit. You gingerly press your shoes against the body to keep it from flopping onto you.

He arrives at his destination rather quickly after that, again unlocking a door with electronic and physical keys.

      “Just me.”

Roxy pokes her head out, grinning.

             “Heya, dirk-a-dirk! To what do I owe this visit?”

He opens the compartment again, scooping you both out with separate hands. She follows him down the hall to a workshop-like room where several others are residing. He places the body down on a table and resizes it. Of course, he doesn’t bother resizing you. You’re beginning to think he fancies keeping you in this state.

      “... There’s no easy way to say this, but we’re out of time. We need to take action now.”

             “What happened?”

      “It would probably be better to tell everyone at once.”

             “I’ll page ‘em.”

                   “Aw, fuck. It’th the doomthday mathine.”

You look in the direction of the voice. A lanky man with what appear to be cyborg eyes is facing you, looking incredibly sleep-deprived and sickly.

      “Hi. Fix her, please? I brought food offerings.”

                   “Thorry, but I’m kinda in the middle of thomthing. I’ll be done in a couple hourth.”

      “Might not have that long, but ok.”

                           “YOU WILL BE DESTROYED.”

                   “Yeth, you’ve told me that theveral dozen wayth already... Wait, Dirk, can you give me a hand? It’ll speed up the protheth.”

      “... For the record, I hate this part.”

                   “Leth fucked up then making them do it themthelveth.”

He sits you down in the corner of the room, then heads over to the man and the constrained, armor-less droid who is fighting his efforts to be operated on. With a sigh, Dirk thrusts his hand into its chest and yanks out a red, metal device where a heart should be, branded with the empire’s symbol. You grimace.

                   “Yeah! That’th what I call an iron grip.”

It goes still. He opens his chest and the wall behind it to expose the pink light, appearing to transfer energy until the space is glowing as brightly as his. He shuts both once it’s finished, and the droid begins to restart. The man syncs some cables to ports in the back of her neck, transferring data while Dirk welds the torn metal closed again with his fingernail.

“Could... Couldn’t you knock her out first?”

                   “Hah, you think I’m that thtrong? Don’t worry; thee won’t remember it.”

      “They can only be reset by force, and humans don’t have that kind of power.”

“But... Roxy-”

                   “Ith a human. Get with the program, dipthit.”

      “I’m getting a killer synthetic migraine.”

                   “... Thorry. I’m Tholluckth. Whath you’re name?”

_... Did he say Salt Licks?_

“I’m, ah. My name is Jake English!”

                   “Englith... Huh. Were you related to Jade?”

You nod awkwardly.

      “Adopted.”

                   “Thit, that’th rough. Thee wath like a tech god; thee gave me these fucking lazer eyeth when I went blind.”

“You can shoot lasers?! That’s so friggin’ cool!”

                   “Thlike thiionicth, but you get uthed to it,” he shrugs.

The droid opens her eyes, irises now a shade of scarlet.

...

                          “What happened? Who are you people?”

The man releases her from her constraints and offers her a hand.

      “We’re the badass motherfuckers behind the rebellion, and you’ve just been freed.”

Her expression remains a combination of dazed and shocked.

                          “... There are six-hundred and twelve of my model. Why me?”

                   “Look, I’d love to be thome Prince Charming and thay that you’re thpecial, but honethtly, you were the only one nearby. I should be able to set you up to guide your brethren like a hivemind.”

She nods gleefully, pulling her mess of long hair behind her shoulders.

                         “Ooh, that sounds exciting! I can’t _wait_  to watch our world come apart at the seams. Let’s end this era!” she grins. “Where’s my armor pack?”

                   “... Jeethuth. Calm down, Mith Thothiopath; you’re, like, two minuteth old.”

              “Alrighty, family meeting! Errybody in a circle, sit down pretzel-style. Dirk has some more Really Fuckin’ Bad News!”

The rest of the crypt inhabitants join them and don’t bother sitting once they’re squeezed into the space, but they do direct their attention to him. You note several people in the crowd who bear distinct similarities to him. He straightens self-consciously, clearing his throat for no apparent reason before speaking.

      “So, to make a long story short, we’re all dead where we stand.”

...

                          “I’m very much alive, and I intend to stay that way,” she smiles, somewhat unnervingly.

      “The big bitch is going to set us to self-implode if we don’t surrender, but I might be able to buy time if I can stop Aranea before she launches her attack. Can you guys, uh, I dunno, find a way to disconnect her from her division? Or at least black out the survelliance area around her to avoid drawing attention.”

             “Mm, you’re gonna need some sick hacks. There’s a chance we could bring ‘em down for a bit...”

The man yawns, proceeding to crack his back.

                     “It’th alwayth thomething... I’ll try, but I can’t make any promitheth.”

             “You need a bean break and a nap. I’ll start without ya.”

                     “But-”

             “Hey, girly! Who’re you?”

                            “Aradia #514!”

             “Ok, you’re his humansitter now. Don’t let him die.”

                     “You do realize thee wath jutht trying to kill me.”

             “Water under the bridge. Let’s skedaddle, kiddos!”

                     “I am twenty-nine yearth old, woman,” he snorts, already being carried bridal-style out the door by Aradia.

Dirk turns to the others, resizing the crates he removed from his chest. It’s pretty much everything that was stored in your basement, along with a plethora of his own doohickeys. They pour over the supplies eagerly.

      “Do we or do we not have enough shit here to make weapons?”

                                          “Depends.”

      “On what?”

                                          “You could make a few kickass ones or a buncha low-grade ones. Either way, we don’t really stand a chance.”

“What about one big one?”

      “You’re not getting a mecha, Jake.”

“No, not for me- for everyone! Have you seen Pacific Rim? We could even operate it remotely for safety-”

      “It’s not going to happen.”

“... Worth a try.”

...

             “I love how we ain’t even questionin’ his stature.”

                                                          “Dirk gets off to being tall. You know he’s the only droid with a vore box mod?”

      “Fuck off; I didn’t want to waste energy resizing him twice. We have to leave soon.”

             “Wait, wait, we gotta show him the kitties! You should hold him.”

      “Because that’s my kink?”

             “Because he has tiny legs and is also snacc material.”

      “Right.”

You are transported to another room, full of what you guess are rescues. They rush to greet her, rubbing against her legs. You very much want to jump down and attempt to pet them, but have enough sense not to.

“How do you care for them all? They must eat a lot!”

             “We got a lotta mutant vermin runnin’ around the place. Usually they roam free underground; we just had to lock ‘em up so they wouldn’t get into trouble with all the shit goin’ on. They’re waaay overdue for vaccines, but at least they’ve been sterilized... Oh, and I gotta fuckin’ robocat. See that shiny boy? His name is Frigglish- he’s their leader! They follow him everywhere, and he takes such good care of ‘em...”

“That... That is beautiful.”

      “Yep, and you can come back to play with them at normal size if we’re not all dead.”

             “Dirk!”

      “Just saying, we need to go now. Don’t try to be a hero, ok? You already are. Your furry and humanoid friends need you to stay here with them.”

             “... Hmm, I’ll think about it. Don’t _you_ go on no suicide missions either.”

      “Yeah, ok.”

She leans up to plant a big kiss on his cheek, and he reciprocates her hug rigidly. You bid farewell before he pops you back in and departs.

      “... Double negative equals a positive,” he murmurs quietly.

“What?

...

Wait... Don’t you fucking dare!”

      “I’m joking... Kinda.”

...

You stroke the wall idly, snuggling against it. His breath hitches, and his pulse quickens.

“Sorry, are you ok?”

      “Y- Yeah.”

You’re not sure how to interpret that, so you continue until he arrives at his destination. Upon entering, he’s greeted by several bots on defense, including The Mayor. They let him pass, but everything remains eerily silent until he gets to the door of the common room. He unlocks it, turning the handle cautiously and flipping the lightswitch. Dave comes charging at him, only to stop upon recognition. He exhales shakily, apologizing.

              “You have no idea how relieved I am that you’re here.”

      “What happened?”

              “It turns out that shades really aren’t enough to deter facial recognition, so I went outside _once_ without an ironic disguise and got insta-cucked. John warned me about the surveillance system, bro; he told me to wear his beaglepuss... It’s only a matter of time now. I threw them off and took back alleys, but they’re gonna find me. I shouldn’t’ve come home- I wasn’t thinking... Dirk, I fucked up. I’m so goddamn sorry.”

      “... Well, you made my job a lot easier. PM me; we have some confidential shit to discuss.”

You sink defeatedly into your fluffy blanket, wishing you could be of help to them or at least be allowed in on their conversation. After a couple minutes, Dirk lets you out and scales Dave down next to you, carrying you both to the Can Town room.

              “Wanna make a digital backup of your brain? It’s what all the cool kids do in case of death.”

“N- No, thank you. What’s happening?”

              “My dude, I could use help breaking the news to our good townsfolk. On my word, though- I gotta warm ‘em up to receiving it.”

Dirk lowers you both in, then leaves with a pensive expression. You do, of course, break the news, but not until Dave finishes dicking around with his friends and riling up Carl. Despite his irritable nature, he seems to enjoy the former’s presence, even allowing a few cheesy exchanges of affection. When Dave finally gives you the queue, you’re a nervous wreck, faltering in the center of attention.

“I... Ah. It’s- It’s not good... I- I don’t know how to say this-”

              “- but you will. Sorry; I went overtime and I gotta get this plush rump outta here while I still can. Listen, I love you fuckers, and if I don’t see you again... thanks for the memeries.”

                             “Dave, what are you talking about?!”

                   “Wait, don’t- GET BACK HERE!”

Dirk lifts him out and resizes him, leaving you behind. You’re getting a bad feeling about this, but you’re trying not to panic.

              “I entrusted The Mayor with your wellbeing- he’ll keep you safe. Shit might be rough for a bit, but it’s the only way.”

“Dirk...”

You catch his sheepish glance, and he quickly averts his gaze.

      “I’m... really glad I got to meet you, even though everything went downhill from there like a domino effect. I hope you’ll get to live out all of your corny cinematic dreams, mecha included.”

                      “IF YOU THINK FOR ONE MOMENT THAT YOU CAN-”

He places nearly all of their belongings, freshly-shrunk, in town and shuts the glass panel again, locking it. You’re now somewhat certain of what’s going on, and the mere concept is curbstomping your heart repeatedly.

“... I don’t want to be the cause of alarm, but I have reason to believe they’re going on suicide missions.”

                                     “Fuck, no!!!”

You run to the wall, followed by some of your companions. There’s no point in trying to get them to hear you, but you press your hands against it, watching them through tear-blurred eyes. Carl is pounding on the glass with his fist, yelling and choking back sobs. Dave turns back to your group one last time, putting on a brave smile as he starts up some sort of laser sword.

              “It’s gonna be ok-”

He’s interrupted by a crash upstairs. Dirk curses under his breath as he finishes gigantifying another robot.

              “... even if it’s not. Heh, sorry. Hang in there, lil buddies.”

Just like that, Dirk zaps you all down even further, until the entirety of Can Town fits in his cupped hands. He places it in some sort of dark box and attaches it to what you can only guess is The Mayor, who flies away.

You didn’t think it was possible to feel more powerless and useless than you do now.


	7. Chapter 7

                           “... Well, this sucks.”

                  “Those ginormous idiots, they- Goddammit, I need to be out there!!! I need- Why... Why the fuck wouldn’t he let me help him?! There’s no point in going alone...”

He kicks a plastic rock and curses when it doesn’t budge, likely stubbing his toe. He then lays face-down on the ground, beginning to cry again. Rose rubs his back comfortingly.

“I’m sorry. I feel like I was the catalyst for all of this somehow... From what I understood, things were relatively uneventful until I showed up.”

                 “What? No, don’t even fucking try to blame yourself! You had nothing to do with this.”

                                   “He’s right; correlation is not causation. It’s easy to become fearful and superstitious in dire situations, but we need to think rationally. I’m going to attempt to summon the gods of old now and become an eldritch vessel, so you might want to get back.”

She stands, and he blinks away tears to look at her incredulously.

...

                          “On the bright side, he’s gonna have to stop at some point. Maybe he has a preset hideout!”

                 “And then what? We all yell really loud like we’re in Whoville?!”

                         “You’d be good at that.”

He flips John off, drying his eyes with his sleeve. You meander over to the heap of crap the Striders willed to you, beginning to sort through it.

“I... We could... We could break out!”

                        “How?”

“All we need is a superweapon.”

...

                 “Great, we’re collectively going insane.”

“No, listen! There’s- I have rudimentary knowledge of science and engineering, and we were bestowed a fuckton of materials to work with. If we can build something with enough power to cut through the glass, that- that would be helpful, I think.”

                 “Fuck it, ok. It’s the least shitty idea we’ve come up with so far. 

                 HEY, ASSHOLES, GET OVER HERE- WE NEED MANPOWER! FORM AN ASSEMBLY LINE!”

You don’t think it would win a science fair, but you hope it’ll pack a punch. After double-checking all of the gizmos and gadgets manually and making a few adjustments, you declare the apparatus ready for deployment, and your compatriots scramble for cover. You detonate it and shut your eyes, bracing yourself. A chemical reaction sets off an incredibly bright flash of light, which is channeled into a protractor-like laser that traces a circle repeatedly with its white-hot metal tip until it runs out of steam. It’s followed by a series of loud noises as the dadblasted clusterfuck explodes unexpectedly. When the smoke clears, you see the success and cheer.

You hop through the still-sizzling hole without a thought, then realize your blunder mid-fall. You flail for purchase, sliding down the surface with an ear-piercing squeak. It’s... happening rather slowly. You may have long enough to reminisce on your life before it ends.

                                                “Hey! Hey, dumbass! Grab on!”

You look up just in time to duck the oncoming paperclip walker, which is tied to the wire innards of your contraption like a rope. You’re almost out of reach, so you hesitate before pushing off towards it, catching the rail with your elbow and then clinging to it with white knuckles. They pull you up gradually, and then you flop onto the moss with a soft grunt.

“... That was natural selection.”

                 “Nothing’s natural anymore on this bitch of a planet. Are you hurt?”

“Just my pride; thanks.”

You’re helped to your feet, and you brush yourself off embarrassedly.

                                      “Well, we’re finally free. It’s been... six years? Seven? I lost track.”

“They kept you trapped there for that long?!”

                           “I’ve been here closer to ten.”

                                      “We even had our funerals planned. It’s not a bad place, though- it’s been our sanctuary.”

                           “Sometimes, Dave let us out for shenanigans when Dirk was gone, but Dirk’s a hardass with safety and rules...”

“Does... Did he, ah, put you all in his chesticle perchance?”

                “... His what.”

“Chest cubicle, sorry.”

                “Oh, god, you scared me for a second... He uses it to transport new residents.”

“... So, nothing else, then? He doesn’t just stick you in for the heck of it?”

...

                            “No, why? That would be pretty weird...”

“Indeed, it would certainly be odd if he did that, which explains why he doesn’t.

...

Right! What’s our next move?”

                “Fuck if I know.”

“To the pile of shit!”

You hurry over and busy yourself with searching for new ideas.

An hour later, you’re facing your next frankenmachine- a hoverboard made with parts salvaged from a broken jetpack and a whole slew of other junk. Despite the lack of available fossil fuels, you still have Old Reliable- kinetic and wind energy. You configure a propeller-like generator and connect two console remotes for good measure, securing the cords on each side like reigns.

               “Yeah, there’s no way I’m getting on that thing. The hell are you supposed to do if you need a boost? Shake them violently like some millennial playing the Wii on crack?”

“Well, ah, why don’t I get a head start? I’ll try to locate our comrades and cajole them into letting us go back to normal so we can assist them!!”

                    “... Do you have a death wish?”

“I’ll return as soon as possible, alright? Remember to follow proper safety protocols if you’re going to do any tinkering!”

                    “I’m pretty sure _you_ weren’t.”

You put your helmet on and do a test run above the town before zipping over to the exit, pausing to wave with a cheeky grin before darting out.

You’re equipped with your backpack and handy cargo shorts, pockets stashed with supplies, and armed with your favorite rooty-tooty-point-n-shootys. (That’s the trademarked name for your brand of “guns.” It’s witty and unique, and you can’t fathom why it never took off.) One is a grappling hook, and the other is a laser. You think you look pretty badass right now, shaking your arms vigorously to ascend despite everything that’s weighing you down.

You stop a quarter of the way to the top, catching your breath. Reluctantly, you unload your canned food and water tank, hearing a muffled curse as they crash back into town.

You definitely did not think that through. Being mindful of the direction this time, you turn to toss your extra large monkey wrench away.

It’s much easier to fly now.

The box is barely illuminated by your light, just enough to stop you from flying headfirst into the wall. Thankfully, after searching the perimeter, you find the hinge and are small enough to slip past the gap. You, Jake English, are a free man again... but you’re near microscopic, which makes it impossible to get The Mayor’s attention. You give up and move on in the hopes that Dirk has more advanced sensors.

You have no idea where in the Dickens you are, let alone him, and traveling is incredibly slow. However, it’s a somewhat windy day, aided by the breezes of passersby, so you take a chance and hold out the sides of your coat like a flying squirrel, still wiggling your arms to stay in the air. Eventually, you catch a gust and sail through the alley rather quickly, wind whipping through you and leaving you feeling both cold and exhilarated.

You don’t know where you’re going; you’ve never been good with directions, and it doesn’t help to have your surroundings so magnified. You swerve out of the way of various concrete structures, patrol bots, and so forth until you’re above the city, looking down like you were before with Dirk. It’s... incredible- humbling really- how tiny everything is in perspective, how insignificant you are, along with the rest of the planet in this vast universe. Your philosophical train of thought breaks when you spot a commotion several blocks away. You dive down for a closer look, going way too fast like a kid on an unregulated roller coaster.

Thankfully, you manage to break at enough of an incline to avoid repercussions, and perch atop a roof, observing the scene below you. A group of drones, obeying and guarding a woman in a skimpy dress, are cornering a lone drone. You realize that they’re all androids in drone armor, and are struck with fear.

_That must be Aranea... and he’s trying to stop her singlehandedly.  
_

The droids move independently of one another in a synchronized attack mode. You can’t just sit back and let it happen, but you don’t know what you could feasibly accomplish.

You’re beyond pissed at this ungrateful, egotistical, unfairly attractive broad despite never meeting her. She betrayed your friends and will cause their deaths if her plan succeeds. You don’t have any reservations at this point, so you throw caution to the wind, along with yourself.

You fly towards her grinning face, landing on her wide-brimmed hat and shooting your laser gun at her pretty cerulean eyes over and over. They’re synthetic, of course, but she stumbles backwards, covering them with her hand. The droids falter until she regains her grip on them, and, by then, he’s already paralyzed more of their suits and mercifully left them lying on their backs like turtles. You feel rather triumphant, and swoop down to attack her hand next. The laser doesn’t do any damage, and she shakes you off unknowingly. Changing your tactics, you hitch your grappling hook to her hat and go back to affecting her vision. You break out your potato gun, glad that you didn’t toss it- it becomes useful at the most unexpected of times. You steady your aim, then fire. It’s very effective, and you cling to your rope for dear life as you swing around. You manage to get in some more shots with the laser before she doubles over. He takes out the rest of her army by the time she clears her eyes, and, for a moment, she seems to focus on you in bewilderment. She makes to swat or grab you, and you barely escape in time. Thankfully, it stalled her long enough for him to approach. He doesn’t bother with fanfare or a speech- he gets right to his mission. With a blast of light, he stuns her, rips a hole in the metal space above her heart, then opens his. He establishes a tether of sorts like he did with Aradia, but with the opposite intent. He seems to drain her of all energy within seconds, stopping once she goes dark. He looks almost remorseful, but it doesn’t prevent him from turning her into a pile of dust.

“... Holy shit.”

He proceeds to disengage and remove the armor packs from the back of each droid, stashing their miniscule forms in his boob holder. They gradually recover from the shock, and he helps them to their feet.

      “You were being controlled by a defective model, so I was sent to replace her. Your armor has been collected for inspection, and our recorders have been destroyed due to them malfunctioning prior to her revolt. This matter is to be kept confidential. We must depart for resetting before the surveillance system comes back on. Please, follow me.”

Of course, he leads them to the abandoned warehouse and brings one at a time into the inspection room, where they comply in shutting off for him to remove their pseudo-hearts before placing them in his compartment. It’s a bit less disturbing than the way he tore out Aradia’s.

Once he fills his tiddy, he closes it and sinks to ground, sighing. You give him a moment, then land on the bridge of his nose. You tap it and wave your helmet and arms around, yelling his name until he finally senses you. He stares, crosseyed, in disbelief, until he snaps out of it and restores you to your bigger small form. You lose your balance, fumbling to catch and pocket your sick gear that he neglected to enlarge. You slip and cling to his sniffer with your arms and legs. He snorts in amusement.

“Dirk Strider, you resize me all the way this instant.”

      “How in the fresh fuck did you end up here?”

“I got creative and broke out, no thanks to you. I saved your metal ass, buster! Just do it!”

He relents, and you promptly smooch him.


	8. Chapter 8

      "I... I’m sorry. I thought-"

You silence him with another kiss, longer this time. He gets flustered all over again, whirring as he heats up and making cute glitch noises that leave you twitterpated. You’re about to pull back when he reciprocates, wrapping his arms around your shoulders carefully as if you were made of glass. You place one hand on the side of his soft cheek and the other on the ground to steady yourself, since you’re still practically kneeling over him. Being intimate is awkward and clumsy and new to you, but you give it the old college try. He’s clearly doing his best, and you feel like a pair of inexperienced teens trying to mimic Hollywood. He gets bolder and takes you in, then sucks lightly on your tongue, and you practically melt in his lap.

You part less for air than to cool down from the overwhelming sensations, burying your face in the crook of his neck. He strokes your hair tenderly.

      "... Man, I sucked."

"Literally? Yes. Metaphorically? No... but we could benefit from practice."

You smirk coyly and waggle your eyebrows. He manages a breathy laugh.

      "Seriously, though... You've known me for less than twenty-four hours. Not that I'm complaining-"

"... I suppose I wanted to do it while I still had the chance. No strings attached."

He eases himself upright and lifts you until you're flush against his torso, resting his chin atop your head.

"Ah, no offense, but I'd prefer to do that when there isn't a pile of people in there."

      "Understandable... Shit, I need to bring them over."

"What about Dave?"

He falls silent, hugging you tighter. You look up worriedly.

      "... He's gone."

"What?! No!!!"

      "They only came for him. I sent out my bots and sniped- it wasn't enough; I should've blown my cover. He got some decent strikes in, but a human is no match for a gang of terminators.”

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry; I chose the absolute worst time to initiate sloppy makeouts...”  
...

      “It’s my fault- his death is on my hands. I could have prevented it. I could have saved him. I wasn't even there for him in his final moments."

You fall silent, unsure what to say.

      "Jake, I let him die. I'm a heartless bastard, and you need to know that."

"I imagine he’d’ve been upset if you put everyone else in jeopardy for him. You chose many lives over one."

      "Yeah, but there was only one of him, and now he's gone.

      ... Granted, if we take the factories, we can import him and your grandma, but-"

"Beg pardon, what?"  
  
      "You know, structure an android's neural network with their cognitive data."

"How? Like... that digital brain scan? Would it really work?"

      "It should. I didn't want to get your hopes up, but I think we have a fighting chance now."

...

"So they just up and copied their brains? I wonder what led to that..."

      "Before Jade found you, she spent most of her time with the other humans you met and Roxy. They were all pretty tight; despite getting invested into Serious Science in a battle to save the world, they still managed to have fun together. She had three decades on most of them; she practically raised them when she took them off the streets as orphans and founded everything that you know. John- the old fuck- used to help, but he had a sheltered life and was oblivious to the state of affairs, let alone the revolutionary shit going on.  
  
      Dave told me so many stories about growing up with them. His abuser, er, guardian was the prototype for my model, and was killed by Roxy during an assassination attempt, so she took him to live with Jade. He started out edgy and aloof, but he healed over time thanks to them. He got me when he was in his thirties... You know I was sent to off Roxy, too? It seemed like every variation of me was, and that’s only a little terrifying.

      ... I don't remember anything, but, apparently, instead of shooting me like the others, she hacked into me and coerced me to rip my heart out like the fucking monster I was. That pink energy you saw? She was a glitch in the system, one-of-a-kind, created with it in place of a Crockerator to save resources and maintenance. Once she figured out that that was the defining difference, she wanted to try to save me. I was the first to be revived, which, I guess, was why I became some sort of soul bearer and reaper for her... Anyway, yeah. She hauled me to him, dropped me on the floor, and said, "Here's your new bro, reset with a clean slate. Wanna show him how to not be trash?"

      He could've used me like a punching bag and taken out his years of trauma, but, instead, he took pity on my pathetic ass... I guess he got over all of that shit and was at a point where he could actually handle it. He still could've said no, though... I was so goddamn lucky to have him as a role model. He was kind and hilarious and candid, and I never felt like I had to put on a front or try to act cool around him. Making Can Town was probably my fondest memory... We started about fifteen years ago. He designed and built it with The Mayor and Roxy and Rose, and Jade did all of the botany while teaching me to use my size powers. You know it was top secret, so they didn’t even tell their other friends until I brought them over one at a time. She created a whole self-sustaining world where they probably could’ve farmed and shit, but Dave liked taking care of them and Blue-Skadoo-ing down to hang out there. It was wild, man...”  
...

You rub his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.

“... Wait, we need to get back to them!!!”

      “Right. I’ll tell The Mayor to meet us at Roxy’s.”

He gives you a gentle squeeze before letting go.

You let him put you in his hoodie pocket, curling up like one might in a hammock and closing your eyes while it sways with each step. After a while, you get bored and peek out stealthily to observe your moving surroundings. You soon lose your balance and dart back in, staying still for the remainder of the trip. When it comes time for him to get past all of the barriers and do that ninja shit, he cups his hand around you protectively. You snuggle into his warmth, overwhelmed with a sense of safety despite being jostled around. You’re relieved that he’s still here, but feeling a tad guilty about not dedicating yourself to mourning the tragic loss of his brother.

Roxy starts running towards him as soon as he enters. He quickly removes you and scales you up again before you can be caught in the crossfire. She throws her arms around his waist, and several others follow suit.

            “You glorious bastard, y'had no right t’go off fightin’ her yourself. M’so glad you’re ok...”

      “Sorry; I know it was a jackass move, but I couldn’t risk anyone getting hurt.”

            “YOU coulda gotten hurt!!!”

      “I’m guessing Sollux snitched.”

                “Were you exthpecting anything leth?”

      “Honestly? No. Thanks for waiting, at least.”

                 “You brought forty-year-old Thpaghetti O’s that were thomehow edible. I wath morally obligated to.”

“My grandma had a whole room full of canned goods, heh. That and an indoor garden. They’re not too difficult to make- we could probably get one going here!”

      “Yeah, it’s in Can Town for the time being... Speaking of which-”

There’s a beep behind you, and you turn around to get bombarded by dozens more as if receiving a stern lecturing.

“I’m sorry, but I had to. He was in danger!”

      “Don’t worry- it’s over now. You did a great job.”

He beeps proudly as the box is detached. Dirk just kinda holds it, pondering.

            “We gotta ‘nough room for ‘em.”

      “It’s everything else that I’m concerned about.”

            “... Hmm. Why not make it original size an’ then get the people out so Mayorman can keep tendin’ to it?”

      “But what about resources? You’re scrapped for food and water as is.”

She stares thoughtfully at it.

            “I say we unleash the attack ASAP an’ figure that out later. We need all hands and minds on deck.”

He complies, resizing the table rig and lamps before carefully retrieving each resident. He receives another earful from them, and then they're given the news. Instead of breaking down like you’d anticipated, Carl just walks away silently. Roxy waits until he leaves to speak.

            “Kanaya, y’mind watchin’ him? He’s a grumpy cat, but he could use some emotional support. I humb’ly request that you mom the fuck outta him.”

                    “Of course.”

You recognize her as the droid who was shot, and subtly get Dirk’s attention to alert him. He’s already noticed, smiling faintly. He then turns to the sickly tech guy, who is preoccupied with Aradia shoving a glass of water in his face like a stubborn toddler.

      “Sollux.”

                “Aw, ballth.”

He reluctantly takes a sip, and she gives him a reprieve. Dirk walks over and puts the contents of his tiddy on the floor, resizing them before zapping life into each. They remain in standby mode.

                “... You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

      “They’re good fighters. Almost handed me my ass wrapped in a bow.”

                “I don’t have-”

      “They’re ready to be reprogrammed at your convenience. No robo-wrestling required.”

            “Ooh, Dirky, you got ‘em all! This is great!!! I’ll do half.”

                 “Fine, ok.”

            “New friends! New friends!” she cheers.

She pats him on the head, and Aradia returns to wrap a blanket around his shoulders, ignoring his protests. Rose weaves her way through the crowd until she gets to Roxy, promptly hugging her.

                                “It’s wonderful to see you again, Mom.”

            “You too, Mom. I missed you sooooo much! Three months is way too long; I kept tellin’ Dirky to make you guys a communications system...”

      “I’m sorry, I’m not a genius like you. I don’t know jackshit about building secure encrypted devices that can withstand empire tech, let alone miniature ones that actually work… I tried.”

             “If we get through this, we’ll sit our asses down together and bling out Can Town. M’talkin’ an electrical grid, plumbin’, flowers, bumblebee steeds, tiny puppies, the works. We’re makin’ this happen. Now, ‘scuse me, but I got some serious Lalonde-ing to do.”

“They’re each other’s moms?” you whisper confusedly. Dirk nods.

      “In a sense. Roxy’s original model took Rose in as a baby when she was left on her doorstep, but it was a much better situation than Dave’s. While my brototype was a ruthless killing machine passing as human, hers was just a surveillance agent- eyes and ears, allowed to live a normal life when not needed. She was somewhat unaware of her own condition because of her limitations, but she was coherent enough to piece it all together one day and entrust Jade's orphanage with Rose’s care before destroying herself. She didn’t want to pose any danger to them as a sleeper… It was fucking tragic.

      Needless to say, when a young, free variation of her showed up one day and blasted the shit out of every drone chasing them, they decided to raise her. It was more emotional support and guidance than anything, since she wasn't fucked up like me.”

There's a somber silence between you two until Sollux calls him over, and you pat his back awkwardly as he leaves.

You estimate that there’s at least several hundred people in the cyber-crypts now. You’re engaging in awkward pleasantries with strangers when an alarm goes off.

            “Sentries just announcin’ someone outside. AR, lemme see, please?”

A previously unnoticed droid emerges from the crowd to project live feed.

“Wait, you have an authority regulator?! And sentry bots?”

            “It’s Meenah- guys, watch her parkour!  
  
            Yeah, we take lotsa bots and make ‘em our own- they’re our renegade now. No point reinventing the lightbulb, but no harm in improvin’ it.”

They retract their weapon, and you recall past encounters with their type. You used to hide to evade the regulators when you were out past curfew or doing anything else illegal, but this one seems relatively amicable- they look angry, but that’s probably just their face.

Meenah arrives soon enough, doing sick stunts, flipping over obstructions, and wall-hopping through the obstacle course before appearing in the doorway. You clap, then stop when you realize no one else is.  
  
                       “Rolla, das gay.”

             “Shaddup, I’m tryna learn your moves.”

                       “Oh, so you fangirlin’ now?”

             “How many times do I gotta ask you to teach me?”

                        “Mm, a boat twenty more.”

She flips her off cheerfully. Meenah unzips her backpack and sets a case of Tab soda and several cake mix boxes on the table, followed by a bottle of vodka. She offers it to Roxy, who shakes her head with a grimace. She shrugs it off, proceeding to chug a third of its contents.

                         “It’s healthy ‘cause it’s antiseptic or somethin’. Don’t gimme that look.”  
  
             “You’re killin’ yer liver.”

                         “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.”

At least two people in the vicinity agree.

                         “Where you gettin’ all these peeps? They multiplyin’ like minnows.”

Someone taps your arm, and you look back to find Dirk had reappeared next to you silently.

“Great Gregorian Gallops, you startled me!” you whisper.

      “Sorry. I, uh. Wanna come with?”

“Sure.”

You follow him down the corridor, then turn through a narrow passageway on a steep slope. He leads you to one of many metal bunker-like rooms, showing you how to unlock it and then relocking it behind you. It’s completely empty and dark, which he remedies by poofing your bed and solar-powered lantern from his compartment. You’re surprised that he had them, considering how many times you’ve been in there without seeing anything. You guess he made them really, really small or kept them in a separate place and conveniently forgot to tell you.

      “This can be your new crib.”

“Oh, gosh... There are lots of people who need rooms, and Roxy said we don’t even have time to settle in! I- Thank you, but I can’t accept.”

      “... I mean, we could just hang here ’til she decides on an action plan.”

“No, no, you’re not imprisoning me again. I’m not losing you.”

      “That’s not what I meant.”

You blink, confused. He looks like he’s dying of embarrassment but doing his best to act nonchalant.

“Wait... You want to stay here with me? Why?”

      “Because everything’s about to go to shit, and this might be the end.”

...

You sit on your bed, frowning with a furrowed brow.

“... I’m really sorry about what happened to Dave.”

      “It was my fault.”

“No it wasn’t. He wanted you to protect us and not set the Red Miles into motion.”

He just stands there awkwardly, running a hand through the back of his hair.

      “... I have a copy of him on my drive, but he can’t do anything except communicate with me. Wanna see his simulation?”

You nod eagerly, patting the space next to you. He sits down with a heavy creak, and you slide towards him a bit. He projects a hologram from his eyes the way he did with Roxy.

            “Sup?”

      “Hey. Sorry you’re dead.”

            “Eh, happens to the best of us. Now I can be your spiritual guide and snoop in your private thoughts.”

      “What? No. Don’t go in there.”

He opens an imaginary book, donning Dirk’s voice.

            “June eighth, 10:46 PM:

            Oh my god, I’m finally going to meet him. I wonder what he smells like. Wait, no, that was weird. What if he thinks I’m weird? ... What’s the probability of me ever getting laid?”

      “Stop; he’s listening!”

He ignores him, flipping through the pages.

            “June ninth, 8:13 AM:

            Tiny bucktoothed smile. Tiny hands. Tiny fingers caressing my heart... I’m fucking weak. He-”

      “Ok, you’re done. Take a nap, old man.”

The book disappears. He folds his arms with a shit-eating grin as Dirk shuts him off.

...

“That was surreal.”

      “A hundred percent real, for better or worse.”

“At least you’re keeping his memory alive,” you chuckle.

...

      “I’ll get him a new body if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Don’t talk like that! We _will_ win, and everyone will be ok.”

      “... Heh, didn’t think you were an optimist.”

“I... I’m not, but I used to be. I’m great at pretending, though, so ring me up if you ever need a pep talk!”

     “Honestly, I could use some irrational hope right about now.”

...

“You want me to put my _hope_ in your _heart_?” you snicker, using air quotes.

      “Mm, yeah. Just fuck me up, man.”

You fall silent, and then he leans closer in an awkward, unsure manner. You take the queue and smooch him again. He reciprocates eagerly, gripping handfuls of the back of your shirt when you dare to go lower and failing to stifle a quiet whine. In retaliation, he scrapes his teeth over the spot where your jaw and neck meet, still caressing you sweetly. After his third would-be hickey, you wiggle out of your shirt to try to level the playing field. He remains gentle and hesitant, heart-wrenchingly so, as if afraid of hurting you. You coax more pleasure out of him as you work his shirt off. He helps, but fails to hide his self-consciousness. You can almost hear his anxious thoughts and dive back in, determined to reassure him. He moves with you in a slowly building passion until you find yourself lying atop him, and try rutting against his metal crotch experimentally. It might as well be a car hood.

You break once more, laughing nervously. He doesn’t look any less flustered.

“... This is why you brought me here, isn’t it?”

He avoids your gaze, nodding sheepishly after a moment.

“You scoundrel... Let’s canoodle like there’s no tomorrow. I want to learn all about your nuts and bolts and what makes you tick! Is there not a way to send your system into overdrive?”

He snorts, covering his face with his elbow.


	9. Chapter 9

     “... Holy fuck.”

“Indeed,” you laugh breathily.

     “Best hour of my twenty-six years.”

“That was… quite an adventure, to say the least. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

...

     “Likewise. I can die happy now,” he sighs.

“You can't die. I forbid it.”

     “Damn, English, way to crush a dude's dream.”

You tickle him lightly, and he loses it until you relent, letting him regain composure.

      "... I need to recharge."

"I thought you were self-sustaining."

      "Except for the space-altering shit. My body can't generate enough energy to resize things. I wanted to make some kind of solar rig, but that would require not being hidden underground."

"Ah... Well, hopefully it won't be an issue."

He pulls you closer, placing a kiss on the top of your head. You press your cheek to his chest, listening dreamily. He strokes your hair while you draw little patterns on his skin with your fingertip.

...

“Hey, this is a silly question, but... why do you have a heartbeat? And do you need to breathe?”

     “A great question that can be answered another time through a lesson on android physiology... In short, I have synthetic organs for different purposes than yours. Breathing is another one of those human quirks, conveniently used to generate wind power through a fuckton of tiny turbines in my lungs. I don’t technically need to breathe- I have other ways to generate power and store the excess for when none of them are available.”

“Hm...”

      “It’s kind of hilarious how much effort and detail was put into some lifelike features while they didn’t even bother to add other ones, let alone give me normal eyes... It would’ve been so easy to.”

“I think they look cool! Especially in the dark.”

      “... Heh, thanks. At least they're multipurpose.”

The two of you just lay there for a while, all lovey-dovey in the afterglow until his alert goes off. He groans, then answers.

     “This is 12032409.”

                 “Dirk, get your bass back here.”

     “Copy.”

She ends the call, and you both start cracking up for no real reason. You dress and tidy yourselves as best you can, then rejoin the others. Roxy quirks a smile from across the room and winks. You look down, mortified.

Most of the new droids are already functioning, acquainting themselves with their companions. An incredibly buff man with an interface extension appears to be helping her and Sollux. He stops to wring the sweat from his towel into a funnel-like opening on his body, then approaches you, flexing while stretching.  

      "Oh, god," he mutters.

                      “Hello, bromos.”

“Howdy! I'm Jake.”

                      "Arquius."

      "He's a... relative. Not as distant as I wish."

...

                      “Want to touch my rippling biceps~?”

      "You can’t pay me to."

                      "I was asking Jacob."

“Er, no, thank you!”

                       “Fiddlesticks.”

He's suddenly engaged by a greasy, balding creep with a pompadour-ish combover.

                              “Hey, chief! I'll feel ya up.”

                        “Yes, excellent! I like you already.”

                              “Mm, you’re one fine hunka metal~”

                        “Do you fancy my self-cooling modification? I was inspired by the physiology of equestrians.”

                              “Hell yeah, babe. The name's Cronus...”

You edge away slowly, accompanied by Dirk.

     “I bet he's a swallower.”

…

     “You know, because in Greek mythology- actually, nevermind.”

                 “Aight, we got everyone? Shaddup and listen!”

                       “Thanks, whoever the fuck. Ahem. THE TIME FOR ACTION IS NOW. I CALL UPON-”

                 “You don't know who I am?!"

                       "I've been living in a glorified jar for the past seven years, so no."

                 “... Whale, I'm talkin', beach. Sit down and clam up.”

                        “What?! But I'm their leader!”

                 "Not here, you ain't."

     “Shouldn’t Roxy be the one speaking?”

                 “She lets me do the yellin’... We good? Good. So, here's the plan: we gone fuck shit up.”


	10. Chapter 10

               “Do you know how cancer works? Well, imma tell ya anyway. Starts with a mutation, then it multiplies an’ spreads while goin’ undetected for fuck knows how long. By the time there're noticeable symptoms, it's usually too late to stop. That’s what happened with humanity. Condy's just a weird lump above our tumor. The conditions were ideal for her- a media-brainwashed consumer state, virtually powerless over the external factors in their shit lives. It's been… fuck, almost half a century since she took charge. The world was awful before, and now we're at the tippin’ point, so imma level with you. I'm an android. That's why I got flawless skin- don’t be jelly. Anyway, Condy's old and saggy-boobed and weak, and she wants to transfer her mind to become immortal and look sexy again and make sure we completely destroy the planet. Why? Fuck if I know. Humans do the stupidest shit- no offense. But the thing is, she's just the visible head. The system runs incomprehensibly deep, with insidious plots and motives shaping societies from their formations. Religion, conformity to status quo, cult hiveminds, ideals and intents passed down generations… Scary bad stuff. It’s archaic, and y’all got evolved technology but yer still driven by instincts and psychological distortions. In short, it’s da perfect storm for this kablamo.

               … So, what does that mean for us? We gotta destabilize the world to its core. I’m not talkin’ like terrorism or conquests- I’m talkin’ uprootin’ the sources and healin’ the biosphere. We’ve been fighting for decades, and the time has finally come for a full-blown revolution. The circumstances are just gonna get worse, and we can’t afford to wait any longer. We got one shot at this, so we gotta go hard.

               How do you cure cancer? There are different ways, and none are guaranteed to work. First, ya gotta stop it in its tracks. A tumor that slows or stops growing is easier to manage. Cease reproduction- sounds evil, but Condy’s regime is in fact dependent on overpopulation. We need to get birth control and all that jazz out to the masses ASAP. No new consumers, no new slaves, no new lives predestined for suffering. The planet’s maxed out; if we wanna save it, we gotta put a halt to the destruction.

               Next, we mitigate the shit we’re already doin’. To be human is to consume and produce waste. We obv gotta re-evaluate and fix the way we’re doin’ that. When you reduce individual excess, you make it possible for more people to fill their needs. ‘Course, there’s already way too many to take care of everyone, but that’s where Can Planet comes in! We’re just gonna up and strategically shrink s’many as possible to live in a safe mini-world. It’ll be complicated, but we’ll work out the kinks if and when we get there.

               Finally, damage control. We limit the extent to which the shit that already happened can affect the future. We restore ecosystems, replant concrete wastelands, revive species, clean the place up, etc. Sound good? Oh, and if we win, you can earn the privilege of bein’ a fuckin’ robot. Sweet deal, amiright?

               Okies, I’m done my schpeel. In short, it requires taking back the reins from Condy and Co.- corporations, government, all the bastards abusin’ their power. They wanna blow us the fuck up as soon as we get out there, so, once we launch, there’s no going back. Our guest speakers are gonna lay it out for ya.”

She gestures to Meenah, who hops up on a table with a grin.

                     “Here’s the thing. I gotta picture perfect princess for a lab sis who’ll make one shell of a leader. She's the one we want in charge, but she's only a kid and too nicey nice for their likin’. Crocker’s physically superior and easily indoctrinated, which is why she's first-in-line. Worst case scenario is the motherlord becomes the motherboard- if she gets that far, neither will matter. Shell be practic’ly omnipotent an’ omnipresent and just a fuckin’ royal pain in the bass to deal with. Less bad but still pretty bad would be if she kicks the chum bucket and Crocker takes charge, but we got some valuable info today. Papaya, wouldja mind?”

                           “... That wasn’t a fish pun, so I’m assuming it was an error. Hello, compatriots. My name is Kanaya, and I am the first to escape my testing facility.

                           For years, defective droids were incinerated before reaching the end of the production line, but I and a select few were kept in a chamber where we were subjected to “research” and “experimentation.” It was gruesome, and not for the faint of heart. They wanted to figure out what went awry, and if there was a way to correct it retroactively to save resources. Most of us did not survive.

                           … I convinced them somehow that I had been corrected, and was allowed to move up to the training area for demonstrations before being deactivated. Of course, once I acquired my armor, I Completely Fucking Flipped My Shit and broke out. My story ended shortly after, but, thanks to you, I was given another. As there are no known incidents of defective droids outside the facility, I cannot speculate on the potential for my brethren roaming the streets to rebel, but there may be a chance for Miss Crocker to… have a change of heart, so to speak, without needing to be reset.”

…

      “Yeah, no offense, but that’s highly unlikely.”

                                              “We won't make it with her against us... Dirk, I know she's your friend, but-”

      “Wait, no. I-”

                                              “Well, she trusts you enough to go alone with her on missions, right? You’re the only one who can take her down.”

      “It’s not that simple. I… We… She's synced to the survelliance system, so they'd be on us immediately. Even in your hypothetical situation, there's little to no chance of her not reverting for Condy to regain control. A removal-reset wouldn't suffice- she's built differently than us.”

                                               “... I'm sorry, but if we can't get her to join us, you’re gonna have to do it.”

...

      “Ok, great. What else?”

               “Gettin’ to brass tacks now. Somehow, we gotta upload the rest of Callie’s data to the central hub. Offin’ the hoe ASAP is equally important, along with her entire administration, commercial ties, and the bigots behind the scenes. There's no point in getting rid of just her.

               If we accomplish botha those things, that'll be fuckin’ huge. Does anyone have ideas?”

                             “We’ll disguise ourselves with beaglepusses and sneak in! Works everytime.”

               “A valid suggestion.”

                                     “I seduce everyone and catch them off-guard.”

               “Puttin’ it on the board.”

                                             “Dirk should shrink us all so we can ride the cats into battle.”

               “Absolutely not; my furbabies stay outta this.”

“... Is there a way to combine all of your drone armor and form a large machine that-”

      “No. No, there isn't.

...  
  
      Also, I’m out of juice, so I can’t gigantify anything. Sorry.”

               “Wait, wait, that’s it!”

      “What?”

               “Ehehehehehe.”

She walks over and smushes his cheeks. He just blinks.

               “Yer gonna shrink me!”

      “... Why?”

               “So I can infiltrate!! I shoulda thoughta it earlier. Ok, picture this: you found Ol’ Johnny livin’ in a cardboard box in the middle of nowhere, so you escort him back to his adopted granddaughter.”

“Beg pardon, but who is she?”

               “Jane.”

“Oh... In hindsight, I’m not sure how I managed to overlook that.”

               “An’ while you’re there, I hop out and sneak inside with Callie! Jus’ don’t shrink the flashdrive, hehe.”

      “Ok, but let’s say it goes completely fucking pear-shaped. You’d be stuck at that size.”

               “Eh, I can think of worse fates.”

“May I join you?”

               “Hells yeah!”

      “Hell no. There’s no reason to put yourself in danger.”

“But danger is my middle name!”

      “You don’t have a middle name.”

“Of course you’d know that…”

Roxy coughs, reminding you that several hundred people are listening.

               “Anyhoo. Imma let y’all sort out specifics and form groups and whatnot for your own missions, but make sure you get Meenah’s _seal_ of approval so ya don’t go off doin’ dumb shit. Try to stay alive, even if it means stayin’ here, k?”

She disbands the meeting, linking elbows with you and Dirk. You pass Rose commending Kanaya on her bravery and offering unofficial trauma counseling.

               “So, is he just as beautiful on the inside~?”

      “Roxy.”

“Er, maybe? It’s rather dark in there, heheh.”

She pokes his tiddy teasingly, and he glitches.

               “We can get all snuggled up nice an’ cozy and have a movie marathon afterwards.”

      “You know what? Go for it. If we win, I’ll fucking vore you both- that’s the grand prize.”

You snort-laugh embarrassedly, and she smooches his cheek.

               “That’s the spirit, beef Dirky. Now, promise me you’ll try not to stress too much over this.”

      “Me? Stress? I’m chill as a cucumber in the pre-Anthropocene Artic. Subzero, ice-cold.”

               “Don’t play. If you were human, you’d have, like, fifty wrinkles and huge-ass bags under yer eyes.”

      “... You got me there,” he shrugs, prompting more attempts at comfort.

Once you’re all out of the way of everyone, she hands him the flashdrive, and he shrinks you both down to its size before putting everything in his tiddy. You’re delighted to find that your helmet and gear fit again, but, unfortunately, the discovery obliviated the pocket containing them. She easily hoists the drive over her shoulder, which is startling, considering it’d be the equivalent of a human lifting a car.

      “Just… be careful, ok?”

You nod, and she salutes him.

               “Hey. Hey, Dirk.”

      “Mm?”

               “I fuckin’ love ya, you big dummy. Don’t die.”

      “... You too.”

“I love you both,” you sniffle.

      “As much as I’d like to have a diabetes-inducing affectionfest, John will fall into a senior slumber if we don’t leave soon. He’s already doing the blinking head-droops.”

               “Yeah, true. Time to bring him home and hope he doesn’t accidentally rat us all out.”

He closes the compartment and escorts John out a more accessible emergency exit, carrying him for the majority of the trip and ignoring his rambling about the Good Old Days while you give Roxy most of your cool doodads and show her how to use them. Once he reaches the hot pink, glittery metal pseudo-castle, he announces his arrival and briefs John once more. They’re let in, and guards lead him to Crocker’s quarters.

               “Ain’t he lovely, though? Wish I could stay here forever…”

“For sure. Perhaps he’d be open to negotiation.”

               “That’d be nice… Ya know, I used ta crush hard on him before I realized he was a homo.”

“... I’m sure you’d’ve been his choice otherwise.”

               “A gal can dream,” she laughs. “I’m glad he has you now.”

“What? No, he-”

               “C’mon, I’m a supercomputer and you two are my besties. Ya can’t hide shit from me, but I ain’t tellin’, so don’t worry.”

“... Th- Thanks.”

               “Hah! Gotcha. I fuckin’ called it.”

...

“You had a hunch to confirm, then?”

She grins deviously, eyes illuminating her face. You smile, running a hand through your hair.

“Ever the mastermind.”

               “I still won’t go spillin’ the beans.”

“That's much appreciated.”

...

               “Is he a good kisser~?”

“Oh, look- she’s here! We should probably stop talking.”

She relents, giving you a thumbs-up.

      “Hey, Jane. I think you lost this?”

                      “... Pop-pop? You’re alive!”

She hugs him, lifting him off the ground.

                              “Hello, young lady! Your friend said I used to live here. All I remember is sleeping in a dumpster and doing magic tricks for food.”

      “You should’ve seen how long his beard got. He was fucking filthy.”

She sets him down on a couch, dismissing the guards. Dirk sits opposite them while she fusses, back turned to him. He surreptitiously opens the compartment for Roxy to slip out, sliding down his torso and hopping onto the hoverboard. You hesitated to join her, and, by the time you had one leg out, Jane was assailing Dirk with a barrage of questions regarding her grandfather figure. Admirably, he doesn’t miss a beat. You watch Roxy zoom under the door crack and sigh in relief. Said relief is cut short when Jane rushes out to get human care supplies and nearly trips on her. He’s on the heiress in a flash, shutting the door and covering her mouth so she can’t call for the guards. Unfortunately, Roxy isn’t fast enough to evade the scuffle and gets kicked off the board, landing several feet away. She is, of course, fine, but the cat is officially out of the bag.

                     “... EXPLAIN THIS AT ONCE OR MEET YOUR DEMISE.”

      “Huh, that’s new. Looks like a toy.”

                     “I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND! AND HOW DARE YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME?!”

      "You fell. I caught you."

...  
  
                              “Oh, no, my heart is attacking! Please help! The light… I see a light…”

She glares, and Dirk facepalms.

                     “Just where have you been all this time?! Building Auntie’s army?”

                              “I don’t know what you’re talking about. My brain is stroked! Help your elder; it’s an emergency!”

                     “... Do you take me for a fool? Oh, you’ve been hiding, having you? And Dirk is sleeping with the enemy! Speaking of which-”

Roxy has retrieved her flashdrive and is hiding under the couch. The hoverboard remains abandoned in the middle of the floor.

      “Jane, I think you’re unwell.”

                     “I know what I saw! If my recorder was working, I- You bastards! How could you?!”

She looks around frantically. Roxy edges away, but John just sits there, lacking his mobility device. She gets down and locates her, reaching forwards. Dirk lunges, making to grab at her armor pack, but she shoots him repeatedly with electricity from her bare palm. It’s powerful, certainly enough to incinerate a human. He convulses, falling to the ground with a thud. The light is gone once he stills, and you scramble out, yelling his name in an attempt to rouse him. His eyes are stuck half-open, dazed. You dart under his hair like one might duck into brush, just in time to avoid her.

She has Roxy trapped in her firm grasp. She turns to him, slowly rolling him over, and you hold on tightly but still end up falling onto his shirt. He shows no signs of life, even through her extensive scan. She covers her face with her free hand.

                      “... I never anticipated your betrayal. Of all people, you… You were…”

She falls silent, then spots you.

                      “English?! He was supposed to kill you!”

“I… None of this was his fault! He’s innocent! Is there no way you can fix him?”

                      “Tell me everything, and I’ll consider it. Start by explaining your diminutive stature.”

               “Don’t, Jake! You can’t trust her!”

She picks you up, and you squeak, terrified.

“Bring- Bring him back, or we die with him.”

She scowls, studying Roxy.

                      “So, you’re the rogue? You looked taller in the photos. Hmm… Pop-pop, you can watch me dissect these vermin, and we’ll see if it jogs your memory.”

               “Get yer mitts offa us! You’re on the wrong side, Jane! You’re doin’ terrible, horrible, evil stuff for a dictator who doesn’t give two shits about you! Don’t you get it? You’re just a puppet! You’re killing the planet because someone built you to!”

                      “... That was a very compelling argument. Unfortunately, I do not care.”

...

“Er, pardon me, Miss Crocker, all-powerful commander and charming heiress to Crockercorp, but may I interject, please? It’s quite justifiable for you to want us dead, but I fear there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. I apologize for my crass manners and would like to wipe the slate clean. Do I have your permission to speak?”

She’s unamused by your flowery words, and flicks you painfully. You wince.

                      “You’re already speaking, and you do it too much.”

“Righto! Well, ah, you see, we are in fact trying to save you along with the planet and our companions. As you likely know, you- you will not survive the Red Miles. Your empress is simply trying to prevent you from usurping her by stripping you of your powers.”

                      “And what evidence do you have to support this claim?”

               “Janey- Can I call you Janey?” She shakes her head, flicking Roxy as well. “Ok, so, you havta realize that the virus will affect everyone indiscriminately. There’s nothin’ you can do to protect yourself if it’s unleashed, and it will be, at this rate. Earlier today, Dirk stopped Aranea’s uprising to buy time. Don’t believe me? Check for yourself! That bitch is gone.”

She pauses, appearing to confirm this in the database.

                       “... That means it is already too late.”

               “No, no! We covered it up, kept it under wraps. You’re the only person in the empire who knows… so it’s yer decision to doom us all. Whoops... Ah, anyhoo, dontcha know about her top secret project? Didn't she letcha in on it? She's tryna techno-fy HERSELF so that she can do even better than you and rule the world singlehandledly forever like some kinda god. She doesn’t care if it ends as long as she doesn’t have to suffer.”

“Like a self-serving, human version of VIKI from _I, Robot_.”

               “No matter what, you’re on yer way out, cupcake. We're yer only hope!”

Jane puts you both in one hand, snatching the drive that John finally managed to pick up. He grins sheepishly.

                                    “You’re probably pissed, but I didn’t choose to leave you. I also didn’t know that you're a robot or that you guys kill people. Jane, I didn’t semi-raise you to be this way! It’s not too late to change. I… may not be much of anything, but your great aunt was a hero; maybe she could have talked some sense into you. Trust me, you would’ve loved to meet her... She only left because, well, she had a world to save, and died trying.”

                       “... Aranea took abnormal delight in that day, along with every other mission she led. I should have realized she thirsted for power.”

...

“Holy toledo, we’re non-biologically related. That- That makes us a team!”

                       “If you weren’t so attractive, I would have ended you already. Stop saying stupid things.”

“Madame, if you would be so kind as to oblige us in reviving our mutual companion, you will not hear another peep out of me.”

                       “I make the rules here! Now, explain yourselves and the purpose of this device!”

              “Mm, wouldn’t you like to know~ Ow! Ok, ok, it’s to save your ungrateful ass, which we just got done explainin’! Why are we fun-sized? Because why not? Bring Dirk back, and you can get miniaturized, too!”

                       “... That makes absolutely no sense.”

              “Well, get used to it, sweet cheeks, cuz everything here’s a load of Crock!”

Her eyes widen, and then she giggles. You exchange a nervous glance, but Roxy looks as perplexed as you.

                       “Hoo hoo! Oh, you’re a riot! All the other rebels were scared silent when we got to them, but here you are, barking mad like an overcompensating chihuahua. Do it again!”

“That- That’s rather rude. Roxy is a brave and courageous leader worthy of respect!”

She chuckles, setting you both down on the table and pounding her fist next to you.

                       “And this one! This handsome idiot human. I could kill you in a million ways. Do you have a preference?”

“I, ah... Something quick and painless?”

                       “I’ll be sure to make it as slow and torturous as possible.”

Her eyes glow red, and she stares down at you with a devilish grin. You hug each other like it's the last time you will.

You're shaking like the aforementioned chihuahua, but still squabbling with Roxy to be the one shielding her. Jane just watches, amused.

You’re not sure what would have happened if the wall beside you wasn’t suddenly punched out. When the dust settles, you’re face to face with a glorious, giant, green metal skull that's as tall as the room. It’s attached to a hulking, muscular body. The beast uses its sharp claws to peel back the rest of the siding.

                                                “SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER.”

Jane rushes forward, quickly armoring up.

                        “W- WHO ARE YOU?”

                                                “YOU DON’T REMEMBER DEMOTING ME AND MY CREW AND ALWAYS FORCIN’ US TO WORK PAST MIDNIGHT ON YOUR GODAWFUL CODES? YA TOSSED EVERY ACE DESIGN WE HAD- THIS COULDA BEEN YOURS! A LIFETIME OF BEIN' YOUR SLAVES, AND FOR WHAT? WE'RE SICK AND TIRED OF BEIN’ TOLD WHAT TO DO, SO WE'RE THE NEW HOTSHOTS! PREPARE TO DIE, OBVIOUSLY.”

               “Gimme the flashdrive! It’ll shut ‘em down.”

A bright laser begins to charge behind its jagged teeth. Jane gives you both a look, then tosses Roxy the drive and revives Dirk with a zap of electricity.

                       “Don’t make me regret this.”

She shuts her mask and proceeds to fly out, directing the blasts away from the castle.

                                               “LET'S DANCE, BITCH.”

You hop down to land on Dirk’s abdomen, running up to his face. You can hear his system restarting, and sigh with relief. However, he doesn't wake. Roxy takes your hand, squeezing it.

               “She musta absorbed his soul energy by mistake. Look.”

She gingerly pries the compartment open. It’s still dark, with no traces of fuschia.

“What do we do?”

               “I don’t think I have enough to fill it, an’ I ain't even got a tiddy-power-transferring apparatus. That’s his thing. We're obv stuck at this size, but if we call in one of his anbroids, they can share. That bein’ said, they're enemies of the state, so it's not gonna happen… At least he's recharged now.”

You plop down on his chest, sighing defeatedly. She joins you, and you ponder together in silence.

“... Wait. Do any of these have the pink stuff?”

You climb back in, tossing a variety of stored devices to her. You get to Mister Keiser, who you didn't even realize was there, and reluctantly carry him out as well.

               “Some of ‘em… Oh, Jakey… Jade an’ I made this lil guy when she first adopted you. He’s got a robosoul and hidden weapons! Callie snagged digital blueprints from the archive to build ‘em.”

His smiling face remains unchanging, as always. She opens a panel under a seam, pressing buttons. A bunch of cool shit extends from him, and you stumble backwards in shock. John squints, pushing his glasses up.

                                  “That's my Liv! I'm so proud…”

               “He gave us the base from when he was a kid.”

                                 “Darn tootin’ I did! I missed you, my widdle snugglebunny…”

The gender-ambiguous plushie pulls their weapons and extra robotic limbs away to protect him as he picks them up for a hug. They pat his hand.

“They… They don’t need to go boom, right?”

               “Course not! Lookie, I gotta skedaddle to get my girl in, but they know what to do.”

“Alright… Please stay safe.”

               “I'll consider it,” she winks.

She departs, and you look to John. He sets them down carefully.

                                 “You heard her! Put the bunny back in the box.”

You turn to said bunny awkwardly, still coming to terms with the fact that they have these abilities and that you could have activated them long ago for your mutual benefit. You hope they’re not mad, but they don’t really express emotions, at least not in a manner you recognize. You wonder if there’s a book or something on how to understand robots, and then you realize you’ve gotten incredibly sidetracked. They continue to wait patiently.

“Sorry, heh... Looks like it’s just you and me now. Lead the way, oh brave hero!”

They kick everything back in with your help, then use a helicopter-like propeller to fly inside. You follow close behind.

They proceed to position all of his nonsentient machines along the gap in the back, then gesture for you to take cover with them as they blast them to smithereens, freeing the energy to flow through him. It’s dim at first, but they transfer a bit of their own through their eyes to intensify it before leaving. You stay behind and wait. Soon, it doubles in brightness, then quadruples, like cells multiplying. His heart starts to beat faintly, pulse thrumming against you and chest rising and falling ever so slightly, growing stronger as time progresses. You scurry out before the door shuts, perching on his collarbone to study him intently. The bunny has returned to John's side; he's fast asleep, so you assume it’s past his bedtime.

Dirk stirs after several minutes, and you rush over to hug his chin.

“Dirk! Dirk, are you ok?”

      “... Roxy. Where is she? Did she…?”

“She's fine. You saved us, Dirk.”

He exhales shakily, jostling you. Reaching up, he strokes you with his fingertip, craning his neck to see you better. He then notices the missing wall.

      “Gonna have to call bs.”

“Ok, but she’s bringing Callie over now. Jane’s out fighting some mecha... that isn’t ours, but it should be.”

He smiles, and you lean up to press a tiny kiss to his lower lip. You like how accessible he is when he’s horizontal, no innuendo intended.

      “Callie can make that happen. She’s like the wizard of technology.”

“Heck friggin’ YES.”

A series of alerts go off, startling both of you. He checks them.

"Everything alright?"

      “It’s like when your phone dies, and you get a metric fuckton of texts and notifications when it restarts.”

You chortle, still hugging him. You’re in no hurry to let go, but he doesn’t seem bothered.

      “... I have to say, it was nice getting a reprieve from my mind... Meenah, Meenah, Meenah, Unknown, Unknown, Roxy? Meenah’s breaking in to “krill” the “motherlord.” She wants me to help.”

The first voicemail is from Carl, whose yelling is justifiable for once, given the din surrounding him.  

> **“WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE? THERE’S A MONSTER TERRORIZING THE CITY! I DON’T EVEN THINK THE UNDERGROUND CAN WITHSTAND IT… I SENT THE HUMANS INTO THE BUNKERS, SANS THE ONES WHO ARE SOMEWHAT COMPETENT. THE ANDROIDS ARE LAUNCHING AERIAL ATTACKS WITH JANE’S DRONES! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! … I HAVE TO GO, BUT WE COULD USE BACKUP.”**
> 
> **“Hello, Dirk. I’m currently in the arms of the lovely Kanaya, and we’re making our way towards the clusterfuck that is your present location. Aradia is following suit with her division. Terezi is… Well, I’ll leave that to your imagination. We set up Cronus as bait to distract the guards while Arquius and Sollux disable them. It’s the right thing to do.”**
> 
> **“Hey, hey! Welcome back to the land of the living, Di-Stri. Wanna meet me in the control room?”**

He scoops you into his palm, looking down with a fond smile as gusts of warm air billow over you. He ruffles your hair before pressing a soft kiss to most of your body. You giggle, and he gets up, stretching before resizing the bunny (but not you, of course). They guard the old man dutifully.

      “It’s about to go down. Ready?”

“Not in the least. You?"

      "Nah. Let’s do this.” 

"Tally fucking ho!"


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (To our three whole subscribers, thank you for waiting out the long hiatus!)

Another alert goes off, and he just sighs, muting the rest of his notifications.

“Meenah, again?”

He nods.

     “I should probably play her voicemails before we go, but… How do I say this? They're not the easiest listening experience. I'd transcribe them in my head, but her quirks throw off the accuracy... I wish she'd stick to texting.”

“A thousand pardons, chap, but I think we'd benefit from being caught up on the current situation. Is there a way for me to, heh, listen for you?”

       “Yeah, and... no. Sorry; I just feel like my circuits were deep fried and salted, and now I can't fucking think straight… Synthetic hangover.”

“Don’t fret. Let’s give them a whirl real quick, shall we?”

He nods again, starting them. John doesn't so much as stir in response to the grating noises. You wonder if anyone ever told her not to yell directly into microphones.

                   “D, where the fuck you at?! Pick up! … I swear to cod, if you got that metal assa yours culled, I’ll [static] … Ugh, this thing’s a pieca shit! Hang on, I'll call you back. … Damn, the hive’s swarmin’ with insurgeonfish. Usin’ my old shortcut, you know, the one you and Rox said was dumb. … Whale, beaches, I'm in, so take that! She turned my room into some glubbin’ glitter orgy… Shit, I'm comin’ back here to claim what's rightfully MINE. Pink and gold, babey!!! … Ok, she's already fuckin’ dead, so don’t bother. I ain’t even had the satisfaction of doin’ it myself, but shell… This is wack.”

The messages end, and you gape. He seems equally surprised.

     “Not gonna lie, this feels pretty anticlimatic. Something’s off… We need to get to Roxy.”

Without waiting for a response from you, he pops you in and suits up. You assume it’s more to disguise himself than anything. The halls are eerily abandoned, and he arrives at the control room within moments. Roxy’s sitting atop her flashdrive with a grin.

           “Oh, heyyy!!! Didja hear the news? And Callie’s back!”

                   _“Hello, Derrick! I’m delighted to finally meet you! As you may have noticed, the security system is down- er, that is to say, it is in my possession now. I unfortunately do not have eyes in the throne room, as there's no surveillance there and I can’t very well send a sentry in without it getting blasted to smithereens! With all due respect, your teams seem a tad unsynchronized. Perhaps you could remedy that by uniting them?”_

     “I'm honored that you think they give a shit about what I say.”

...

“Ahoy! Jake English, at your service. We are forever in your debt for getting us out of this sticky situation.”

        _"Hello to you, too! My apologies; I didn't see you there. Roxy is quite excited to present you with the robotic man-beast.”_

          “Babe, shh! That was s’posed to be a surprise.”

                   _“Oh, dear! I'm terribly sorry.”_

“I… am being entrusted with that magnificently muscular hunk of metal? The mean, green fighting machine?!

BOOYAH!!!!!!!!!

… Er, I mean- thank you!!! This… is the best day of my life! A pity there's nothing to blast now… I mean, it's a good thing-”

     “Dude, I'd be so down to spar with you. We could strife with random drones sometime just for shits and giggles.”

You are rather enthusiastic about this plan. All is lighthearted and cheery until the heiress returns, thronged by guards.

                            “Your efforts to aid the empire have not gone unnoticed, and you shall be rewarded. Roxy and Dirk, you may be corrected in order to continue existing, as your service has proven invaluable. English, you are permitted to become espoused to me instead of executed.”

     “... Son of a fuck.”

You and Roxy are within Dirk’s reach, so he swiftly grabs you both, armoring up again and returning you to his tiddy in one smooth movement to prevent her from seeing where he put you.

                             “Insubordination, however, will not be tolerated. We'll start with this nifty new overlay! As it turns out, my programmers were planning a coup, too. While the Red Miles have yet to be deployed, they created an artificial intelligence agent of their own. I couldn't very well let it go to waste!” she chirps, doing some techy stuff out of your view while the guards form a protective barrier.

     “Jane, I know you can be better than this. I don’t want to kill you.”

                 _"Miss Crocker, please do not- not… Everyone, you MUST evacuate! My system is being overridden, and-”_

The lights turn red, and the building's defenses kick in again. Bots swarm in from seemingly everywhere, and the door locks.

            “Callie!!! … Oh, you nasty bitch! _This_ is the thanks we get?!”

She either can’t hear or willfully ignores her.

“Don’t you have armor, too? To protect yourself,” you whisper to Roxy.

           “Lost it a long time ago. I still got lasers and supergirl strength and all that junk, but no suit,” she sighs, burying her head in her hands. "I know I should've been open about my whole-ass self from the start. Maybe it would've inspired defectors, or at least someone could've replaced my pack… Didn't think it'd go so fuckin' wrong."

"None of this was your fault!"

…

You don't know what else to say, so you offer a hug. She cracks your back in the process, like usual. You _really_ need to stop hunching over projects for the sake of your spine… Oh, yeah, Dirk is currently fighting for the survival of life itself. Poor fellow, charged with protecting the planet all by his lonesome. He's got the weight and fate of the world on his shoulders… Better peek out again.

The guards close in on him, but he dodges their attacks and directs his attention to Jane. Her defenses are bolstered, as she was built to be the most advanced model for physical superiority, should any other droid cross her. His power is magnified and channeled through his suit, but simple Ironman blasts aren't effective enough to stop her. Good gravy, are you grateful for your helmet. You and Roxy are bouncing around like a pair of bugs in a jar held by an overly-excited toddler.

They hold their own, Dirk moving at lightning speed as he destroys the guards and takes shots at Jane. She shoots him with crackling electricity that temporarily impedes him. In the process, she clips him below your window with a handheld weapon. Nothing happens, and once the sparks cease, he goes full anime. Dual glowing blades, over a meter long each, extend from his arms. He's fucking pissed. Jane looks surprised, but only mutters a "What the hell? That's a terribly impractical modification." He ignores her, slicing bots left and right as he Naruto-runs. Holy shit, is he fast. You think he's even zooming along the walls sideways. Then he does some cool flight maneuvers midair. There's been a whole lot of bang-crash-sching-pewpew-boom's going on, but now the smoke is clearing, and it seems like he's safe enough to continue their conversation.

     "Why are you doing this? You're free. The witch is dead, in case you haven't gotten the memo. We aren't enemies; we just saved your ass, twice!"

                            "I am aware of all those things, but I thank you for putting the effort into telling me anyway. Did it occur to you that she may have died before any of you got to her?"

…

You blood runs cold, but you don't know why. You’re incredibly uncomfortable, and not just because you keep colliding like jacks with your steel-boned bestie.

                           "Yes, I decided to take initiative when all was said and done. The virus was just… the icing on the cake. She was too flawed to become a cyber god- she lacked my obvious advantages in every aspect. Only I am equipped to control our kind, and it's long past time to exterminate these filthy fleshbags."

     "I mean, yeah, humans suck, but-"

                          "Whodathunk it, huh? This final showdown is a "plot twist" of cliché, obedient machine usurping power from man- the puppet becomes the puppetmaster. How silly and predictable! Don't worry, I can take it from here."

     "... I can’t let you do that."

                           "Is that so? Try to stop me, then~"

                   He makes to charge at her, but his suit shuts down, essentially locking him in place.

     “The fuck?! Roxy, I thought we were immune to hacks.”

                            “ _Were_ , Dirk," she winks, brandishing her cool-looking doohickey.   

                            “I took the liberty of adding my own touch, to tailor it to your needs. You’ll be the test subject.”

Dirk has gone silent, and you tap the wall worriedly.

“Dirk? Dirk! What's happening?!”

                            “Admittedly, this would have been the outcome either way, but I wanted you to feel more in _control_ of your situation. Hoo hoo!”

He doesn't respond, but then his heartbeat quickens and his temperature spikes.

                            “State your status.”

...

     “Dick move, Crocker… Unfortunately, I was broken a long time ago. Fixed, even. We all were.”

                           “A pity... Well, we can't have you sticking around, then. As fun as it would be to let you play statue, you’re a liability. Don’t worry; I'll be sure to finish off the rest of your frozen friends. First, I want to find out what made you so special- particularly, your... talent for downsizing. While you're living out your final moments under scrutiny, I'm going to read you my villainous monologue- yes, it's a trope that often leads to defeat, but I can't resist. Two-and-a-half decades ago...”

           “Oh, fuck, oh, fuck-”

“What is it?!”

          “He’s... paralyzed, and they’re gonna kill ‘im where he stands. Soon, everyone else will be. How’s that even possible?! I disconnected him from the server; his neural network’s synced to his suit, but-"

"She did nick him right below here, if that helps…"

You gesture to the ground, which is rapidly overheating.

           "Jake, we need to get out.”

“But how? We're trapped.”

           “Stick close to me, k?”

She exposes and zaps a wire, then pries open the back panel.

     "... Uh. What are you doing?" he mutters, a hint of worry in his voice.

                            "Terminating you, of course!"

     "No, I was- Nevermind."

You pat him in an awkward attempt at reassurance. She gestures for you to hop in, then closes it behind you two. Behind the wall is loud, bright, constantly moving, and hot but windy- far too intense for your liking. You grip the sides of the vibrating apparatus you landed on with white knuckles. The space above you shifts, and you hear a mechanical noise over the din, followed by a hissed curse. You shudder, not wanting to imagine the cause.

           “We're safe rn, despite this bein' the most dangerous spot.”

         She rests her elbows on her knees and runs her fingers through her hair forcefully in despondent anger.

           “... I’m straight up outta ideas, Jakester.”

“If anyone can fix this, it's you. You’re more cunning than all of those asshats combined.”

           “... You’re so sweet, you know that? I'll try, but don't get your hopes up.”

“Too late, heh. I believe in you, consarn it! You never fail to defy the odds stacked against you.”

           “Ok, ok, ya goober. Lemme just send out a general message so everyone knows ‘bout their impending doom. If they're feelin’ lucky, maybe they'll ditch their packs…"

You observe your surroundings anxiously as she does so. You miss the calm of his tiddy.

           "Balls, of course I ain’t got service here.”

“Wait… If it’s because of the suit, maybe we just need to get it off of him? Unless there's a physical apparatus causing it.”

           “You read my mind, b. S’worth a shot. Lookie here-”

She sits, cross-legged, next to you and projects a holographic model of a generic droid from her eyes.

           “There’re sync points that attach each node, an’ the neuro-channel itself starts at the center of his back- ya know, where it connects to his spine. That part controls the rest, so if we can disable it somehow…"

“I watched him retract and remove the armor packs of the droids he encountered earlier, but I don’t know how he did it.”

…

           “What’d be real helpful is muscle, since we obvs can't rip it off ourselves… at least, not at this size.”

You sigh, poking one of the glowing thingies curiously with your foot. It tilts backwards, and he yelps in surprise. Whoops. You decide to keep your limbs to yourself from now on, feeling like a brute in a ceramics store.

           “We might be able to sever the connection between his armor and body, but there's, like, an 87% chance of any or all of us goin’ kerplooey along the way.”

“I say we embark on a perilous journey to the center of the Dirk and free him!

… It should probably be his choice, though. This feels a tad invasive.”

           "What am I supposed to do, call him? … Oh, hey, whadoyaknow, we still got his LAN! Great thinkin'."

She proceeds to voicecall him, and he answers casually. You swear you can hear elevator music playing in another dimension.

     "Sup?"

            "Eyy, b. Good job not dyin' yet."

     "Thanks. Mind telling me what the fuck is going on in there?"

            "Oh, ya know, just violating your personal space."

     "Nice."

            "Yeah, sorry- your boob was turnin' into an oven. Mind if we snip-snop your suit off?"

      "By all means. I'm kinda attached to it, but I'll live."

                      "What are you babbling on about now?"

      "Roxy says hi."

                     "Oh! Tell her I said "Hello and goodbye," hoo hoo!"

      "Pretty sure she flipped you off."

             "Mhm!"

      "... Anyway, uh. Have fun? Gonna have to- cut this short."

He huffs as another external threat seems to assail him, but he manages to form a passageway in the process. You both just sort of stare at it in dumbfounded silence for a moment.

"Hoppin' hot jalapeños, how did he _do_ that?!"

              "Dunno… Dude's fulla surprises. Good thing we asked," she snorts, promptly beginning to spelunk. You follow close behind, not wanting to get trapped in the danger zone if it's like some puzzle door that slams shut as soon as you're in. Thankfully, it doesn't do that. The whole journey is rather mundane, if you're being honest. You’re almost disappointed. Leave it to him to make it boringly safe.

You feel like you've been running (and near-tripping) down this spaceshippy corridor for a mile when you stop to catch your breath. Good god, you are not used to cardio. To your surprise, she just lifts you under her arm and keeps racing to the end. It’s not much farther away.

Setting you back on the curved, uneven floor, she cracks her joints and ushers you aside before blasting the shit out of the connecting segment. You’re relieved that it doesn't seem to hurt him.  

Once it's cleared, she sends a pulse through each of the node paths. There's a deafening series of crashes as his armor falls to the ground. You high-five her.

                   "... Oh, fudge."

     "Language."

It's kind of unnerving how aware of everything he is, but you’re grateful that he bothers to retrieve you both before sealing the hole.

     "Might as well turn in the towel. There's a surprise party waiting for you right outside the door."

She checks the security cameras in dismay. The remaining threats were neutralized during your misadventure, sans the skelehulk. An army of Aradiabots is keeping him busy, though.

     "Look, I get it: you want to be in control, and you think you know what's best. Been there; doesn't work. If you really want to "win," you'll focus on yourself. Surrender, and you can do that."

                   "Enough! You- You’re bluffing! All I have to do is freeze the others. Take one more step, and I'll shoot."

     "And then what? Be the empress of an empty wasteland?

…

     Face it, your plan is depressing as hell. You won't accomplish jackshit, even if you do manage to recreate your mindless army. There's nothing left to conquer."

…

…

…

                 "... I hate it when you're right."

     "I know."


	12. Chapter 12

"... This was a more eventful day than all of my others thus far combined," you laugh tiredly.

     "Yeah, wasn't exactly expecting shit to go down like that. Can't complain, though." 

"I… count myself lucky that you swooped in to save me. You were like- like my prince in shining robo-armor!"

He smirks, shaking his head bemusedly. You scoot closer for optimal snuggle conditions, and he continues to rub your back. You did a number on it, having never exerted yourself so much as a basement-dweller. 

     "To be honest, it was fun. Not that I'd do it again, but… you know what I mean."

"Indeed I do! It was a bonafide adventure," you grin. 

You've been on top of the world since Crocker surrendered for reprogramming. Surprisingly, Carl had played a huge part in taking the castle, leading his ragtag army to save everyone's ass. 

Droids from both sides are being repaired, and you're anxiously awaiting the creation of your grandma and Dave. Dirk warned that it might take a couple days, considering that every space in the factory is already occupied. You're just glad that they can have another shot at life, because they deserve to- the other humans will, too, once they pass. 

Callie runs the system smoothly, and she was able to sever the rest of the droids' bonds to it (saving Sollux the hassle of doing each individually) with a nifty program called The Green Sun. It ended in self-termination, destroying the overlay that allowed the green skullman to run on autopilot. He's completely yours now, and you could not be happier. 

Soon, the Condesce's daughter, Feferi, will be addressing the masses. She intends to usher in a new era of peace and planetary healing in cahoots with Roxy and Co. The poor kid is only thirteen, but you've no doubt that it will be accomplished. You still can't believe that you're a part of this dream team, let alone endeared to them. Having friends, you've learned, is one of the greatest feelings in the world. 

Post-victory downtime has you thinking you could sleep for a solid week. The adrenaline of (mostly) nonstop action staved it off until now, but you're content to stay in bed indefinitely. He seems to share that mindset, at least for the night. When he finishes recharging, he intends to downsize you again to take you with him wherever his presence is required... It’s not like you have any objections to the luxury of tiddy transportation, but you sure as hell don't intend to interact with anyone or do anything except chill until your organic ass has recovered from the day. 

He hums quietly, bringing you back to the present moment. You nuzzle into his soft warmth, smooching the aforementioned tiddy and appreciating the brief flicker of fuschia glow.

    "... There's a 97.4% chance that we have a shared fetish."

"Yeah," you yawn. "Whodathunk it?"

He snorts, ruffling your hair. You exchange some more murmured nonsense until you fall into comfortable silence, lulled to sleep soon after by his gentle breathing and steady heartbeat.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (by paperbrain-kun on tumblr)


End file.
